Chapter 48: The line between Fear and Desire

“I… I have taken a break from acting for a long time. It was my choice, and I don’t intend to make excuses now, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t miss acting.”

Yoojun felt a bit unjustly wronged.

Even though it wasn’t his business, he wanted to shout that it was all because of Han Jaewoo sitting there with a brazen face.

The more he felt that way, the more Yoojun leaned back against the chair and crossed his arms, as if not empathizing with Sayoung’s emotions at all.

Of course, he couldn’t deceive even himself with such petty acting.

“When I decided that I wanted to act again, that I had to start again, I met Seo Danwoo like destiny. Since then, I have only had one thought. I want to play the role of Seo Danwoo. I want to do it well.”

Yoojun knew that not everything Sayoung was saying here was the truth.

He was the person who knew Han Jaewoo would appear in this movie before Han Jaewoo himself, and he chose this movie to torment him.

Yet strangely, he didn’t think Sayoung was lying.

Sayoung standing in front of them right now was exactly the image of an actor thinking only about acting without caring about the likes of Han Jaewoo.

Is it acting?

Is he acting desperately to persuade the director, all for the sake of revenge?

Yoojun could hardly conclude and judge his inner thoughts.

Sayoung let out a long breath once.

He looked truly so desperate.

Or maybe he was showing a performance meticulous enough to give goosebumps.

One thing for sure was the fact that whether it was truth or acting, it was an appearance that naturally moved the viewer’s heart.

Sayoung continued speaking without crying until the end, even with a face that looked like he would shed tears at any moment.

“I know my acting might be lacking because I took a break from activities for a long time, and perhaps the days I lived might become a problem. I knew it, but….”

The one whose days lived should actually become a problem was Han Jaewoo.

The person who used, tormented, mocked, and ultimately drove a person to death was sitting confidently in this seat, while only Yoon Sayoung was standing there having his life evaluated; it was unjust.

No matter how hard he tried not to take his side from Sayoung’s perspective, Yoojun couldn’t stop a voice from shouting like that in a corner of his heart.

“…Still, I couldn’t give up. I felt like I would regret it for the rest of my life if I gave up without even trying. It was something I accepted when I resolved to act again, and I wanted to challenge myself even if I fail.”

“…….”

As soon as Sayoung’s answer ended, Jaewoo let out a somewhat painful breath, covered his eyes with his palms, and bowed his head.

Anyone could see he looked like he was struggling with the unexpectedly encountered situation.

What a load of bullshit, seriously.

Yoojun barely suppressed the desire to snap at him like that, and instead raised his hand to lightly touch his shoulder and whispered.

“Are you okay, Mr. Han Jaewoo?”

In fact, Yoojun wasn’t in a position to talk about acting skills or anything to Sayoung or Jaewoo.

Kim Yoojun right now was the one truly doing goosebump-inducing acting.

Despite feeling all sorts of disgusting emotions inside, Yoojun’s voice was incomparably gentle.

Jaewoo looked back at Yoojun with an expression that looked incomparably pitiful at a glance.

Yoojun shrugged his shoulders as if truly puzzled by this situation and said in a voice only audible to Jaewoo.

“Did you not know either, Mr. Han Jaewoo?”

“No….”

“Ah… that’s a bit too much.”

“I am fine. Thank you, Mr. Yoojun.”

Saying so, Yoojun frowned slightly as if genuinely worried about him.

Jaewoo pretended to be pitiful and smiled weakly.

While Sayoung was actually standing on the judgment stand receiving sharp evaluations, it was laughable that the two were doing this here, but Yoojun tried hard not to smile self-deprecatingly.

Sayoung was throwing himself like that to take on Seo Danwoo, so even if he didn’t intend to do his best or anything, he felt he had to do at least this much to not have bad dreams.

It was Yoojun’s excuse.

“You mean it doesn’t matter even if you act together with actor Han Jaewoo, right?”

At that moment, the director asked Sayoung again.

Jaewoo’s shoulders flinched along with it.

All of this seemed like a huge comedy in a way, but the things Sayoung had gone through prevented Yoojun from laughing at them comfortably like a mere bystander.

“Yes. As an actor, I will strive to do my best acting just like others do.”

“I heard you well. Does anyone else have questions?”

Only then did the director wrap up the talk, looked around, and asked.

But since the director had already asked all the most explicit and sensitive questions, there was no way anyone could add more questions now.

“Hmm, seems there are none. You may leave now.”

“Thank you.”

The director looked back at Sayoung and said.

Sayoung bowed politely just as he did when he first stood there, then exited.

“Mr. Han Jaewoo.”

“Yes?”

It was at that moment that Director Jung called Jaewoo.

Even Jaewoo, who always maintained a relaxed attitude, couldn’t help but be tense at this moment.

To Jaewoo who answered with a trembling voice, the director asked with a gentle expression.

“If I cast Mr. Yoon Sayoung… how would you feel, Mr. Han Jaewoo?”

“Ah, I….”

Yoojun held back his laughter.

It was a checkmate.

Since Sayoung answered that he only wanted to work hard on acting, if Han Jaewoo answered here with a nuance that he absolutely couldn’t work with him, it was a game Han Jaewoo would lose one hundred percent.

Even if it meant blocking the director’s decision, it was a loss worth taking, but honestly, given Director Jung’s personality, it didn’t seem likely he would reverse his decision just because one actor disliked it.

Knowing that, there was only one answer Jaewoo could choose.

“I think casting isn’t something for me to be involved in. It’s something for the director to decide, and I just act diligently.”

“…Hmm, very good. Thank you.”

Having created a situation where he had no choice but to answer like that in the first place, Director Jung smiled good-naturedly like an old snake and said thank you.

If he really wanted to hear Jaewoo’s ‘opinion’ and coordinate, he would have called Jaewoo separately instead of asking in a public place where everyone was watching and listening like this.

“How about you, Mr. Yoojun?”

The director asked Yoojun this time.

The situation was the same.

Since Han Jaewoo said he was okay, there was no way Yoojun could say here that he disliked it because it was too uncomfortable.

That would only be advertising that his mental strength was weaker than theirs.

Yoojun, who expected the director’s question would come to him too, answered with a confident smile.

“Well… I’m not to the extent where I can’t act because of worrying about such things.”

The director burst into hearty laughter.

Smiles also appeared on the faces of the writer and other staff.

The atmosphere, which had been frozen as if it would shatter, seemed to relax a little only then due to Yoojun’s answer.

“I’m thankful you say such things.”

Having driven people into a dead end, Director Jung muttered gratifyingly with a tone like a good-natured old man.

Thinking he was a foxier person than expected, Yoojun slightly relaxed his shoulders that had been stiff with tension and looked at the door Sayoung had exited.

When Sayoung said he would win the role of Seo Danwoo, Yoojun was very skeptical about that plan, but seeing it turn out like this, he couldn’t help but admire it.

He couldn’t know if the director would really cast him.

However, just drawing out this situation was a remarkable skill.

Very little by little, but clearly, his heart beat faster and faster.

Sayoung’s Seo Danwoo was drawn vividly as if he could grasp it.

For the first time, Yoojun began to look forward a little, just a very little, to the acting he would do with him, not his revenge.

****

“Phew….”

As soon as Sayoung came out to the hallway, his legs gave way and he collapsed onto the floor as he was.

Not only his legs, but his whole body was trembling so much it was visible to the eye.

It was questionable how he could stand straight and talk nonchalantly inside there.

No matter how much he knew the situation in advance and prepared his mind, encountering Han Jaewoo was not easy at all, not even a bit.

The decision was made by Sayoung, but before death, it was Han Jaewoo who cleverly drove him to give up acting.

Sayoung kept postponing his return due to Han Jaewoo’s direct and indirect expressions that if he continued acting, he would forever receive unjust treatment and evaluation behind his back, and that he would become unhappy.

Then from a certain moment, he suppressed himself thinking ridiculous thoughts like he shouldn’t return, that he would be abandoned if he did.

Eventually, he even fell into the thought that no one wished for his return and no one would want to see him act.

Such a person, holding the title of popular actor, was cast in such a good work and sitting in front of his eyes to evaluate Sayoung.

It was a situation that couldn’t not be overwhelming.

“…….”

Sayoung leaned his back against the wall, gathered his knees, buried his face between them, and caught his breath repeatedly.

Passersby’s gazes would pour on him, but he didn’t care about such things.

Sayoung just wanted to calm his weak self quickly.

Emotions were a secondary problem.

A bigger problem than emotions was that his body reacted first when facing Jaewoo.

Just like when he encountered Jaewoo last time, seeing his face made his heart beat crazily and his body tremble.

As if the fear imprinted on his body was triggered, even looking him straight in the eye was burdensome.

In such a situation, acting and even answering the director’s questions nonchalantly was a miracle in itself.

It would have been absolutely impossible without the experience of death.

Ironically, the only comfort to Sayoung in such a situation was Yoojun’s gaze staring at him from right next to Jaewoo.