Chapter 62: A Favor Too Heavy to Bear

There were once days when I believed receiving his favor would make me feel as though I were flying through the heavens.

But now, it brought me not a shred of joy.

I felt only a heavy sense of complication.

I continued my meal slowly, keeping my eyes cast down.

Even as my stomach gradually filled, I felt as though the wind were still whistling through the hole that had been hollowed out in my chest earlier.

‘This is a grave matter.’

‘Since I am a being who cannot escape the Emperor or the Imperial Palace, I ought to live content with receiving his favor.’

In the past, I certainly would have been overwhelmed with gratitude and truly happy even with this much, yet I felt not the slightest bit of satisfaction.

The gaunt face of the Noble Consort I had encountered on my way here flickered in my mind.

I recalled how he had appeared so restless despite his beautiful grooming.

My chest felt stifled as I remembered his fingertips fumbling within his long sleeves.

It was not that I felt pity for him.

To pity him would be absurd, as the affection he had received was far greater than my own.

I was simply troubled because his current state was a reflection of my own until only recently.

The future felt infinitely dark, knowing so many days remained where I would have to live relying on this fleeting favor.

I wanted to hand over all of the Emperor’s love to the Consort and vanish from his sight entirely.

Yet, I wondered which would be better.

I could not easily choose between a life of anxiety, never knowing when I might die, and a life of tension, never knowing when he might barge in.

Did the half-finished bowl of rice only manage to plug the entrance to the hole in my chest?

While a hollow wind still blew within my heart, my stomach felt strangely bloated.

“Come to think of it.”

The Emperor stopped eating and spoke, a slight wrinkle forming at the bridge of his nose.

“Your heat cycle is approaching again.”

“There are about ten days remaining, Your Majesty.”

“The busy affairs should be settled before then, so I shall be able to enjoy the pleasures of the clouds and rain with the Empress without distraction.”

When I hesitated to answer, the Emperor let out a chuckle and teased me.

“Are you still finding the carnal arts so difficult and embarrassing?”

“It seemed to me that your body has grown quite accustomed to them by now.”

Since we had shared our bodies constantly from the last heat cycle until only recently, it was only natural that I would be used to it.

In truth, I now felt a tingling sensation in my lower abdomen just from catching his scent.

My body would heat up in an instant the moment I received his touch.

Once he entered me, I would soon find myself gasping and pulling him closer.

However, my psychological repulsion remained unchanged.

The pleasure he gave was overwhelming, I was terrified of him, and I was frightened by the way my consciousness was consumed by that pleasure.

The reasons were countless.

And in every moment my body was opened, I was always afraid.

My horror at having an organ that did not belong to me ravaging my interior had not diminished in the least.

No matter how tenderly the Emperor caressed me, that fear rarely faded.

It felt as though he might split me into two pieces with that hot thing of his, just as he had carved open my chest with that cold blade.

The Emperor would likely never understand that terror.

“Are you already growing tense again?”

When my hand slowed, the Emperor asked with a quiet laugh.

I lowered my head slightly.

“I am… sorry, Your Majesty.”

“How about spending this heat cycle in the Great Hall?”

“It should be far more spacious and comfortable than the Empress’s bed.”

“I shall do as you wish.”

The Emperor approached slowly, kissed my cheek, and whispered again.

“I was thinking it might be best for you to stay in my private sanctum for the time being.”

“Since it is a space you are not used to, I thought it would be good for you to familiarize yourself with it.”

His words were like a bolt from the blue.

‘Is he telling me to stay in the Great Hall the entire time?’

“By ‘for the time being,’ you mean…”

“How about starting tonight?”

“The laws of the Imperial Palace are strict; how could your servant stay in Your Majesty’s personal quarters?”

Originally, even after consummation, the law dictated that the Emperor visit the quarters of his consorts and then return to the Great Hall to sleep.

The Emperor surely knew this.

Of course, it was not unheard of for the Emperor to stay in a consort’s quarters.

However, that was supposed to be a rare occurrence.

It was said to be unwise to stay only in one person’s quarters, and equally unwise to stay in the concubines’ area too frequently.

Then again, the Emperor had almost never followed those laws.

Before he began coming to the Empress’s Palace, he had stayed in the Consort’s Palace the entire time.

Since the Consort entered the palace, the number of nights the Emperor spent in the Great Hall could be counted on one hand.

But that was only possible because the Emperor favored the Consort so excessively.

He had persisted in that behavior despite the constant nagging of his officials.

Lately, he had been attending to me at the Empress’s Palace due to my fever, but since I was recovering, it was about time for that to end.

Though no one had told me directly, I was sure rumors were already circulating everywhere.

Furthermore, sharing the bed was only possible because the Emperor was the one traveling back and forth.

The Great Hall was the Emperor’s personal space, a place that even an Empress could not easily frequent.

There was a world of difference between the Emperor staying with a consort and the Empress staying in the Great Hall.

The Emperor smiled indifferently despite my earnest plea.

“It is only for a while, only for a while.”

“It is also because state affairs have been busy lately.”

“I thought that by reducing the travel time, I could see you for even a little longer.”

“But Your Majesty, the opposition from the officials will be great.”

“To think you are so faint-hearted. One can simply ignore the words of the officials.”

I blinked rapidly and stared into the Emperor’s face.

“To speak so lightly of ignoring the counsel of your subjects as a monarch… that is something that must not happen.”

The Emperor did not seem offended by my words; instead, he grinned and asked back.

“Then what should I do?”

“They are interfering with the chance for the Empress and me to deepen our marital harmony.”

“But Your Majesty, the affairs of the state must come first.”

“It is not as if I am neglecting state affairs simply because I sleep with the Empress.”

“They say that when the home is in harmony, all things prosper.”

“Must I not have a deep bond with the Empress to work hard on the nation’s business?”

‘You worked hard enough on state affairs even when our relationship was terrible.’

When the Emperor met my silent, staring gaze, he burst into a boisterous laugh.

“I see now that the Empress is quite skilled at cursing with his eyes.”

I was startled by his remark and immediately lowered my gaze.

“Cursing? Your servant has no such intentions.”

“I was merely worried that Your Majesty might neglect state affairs by becoming obsessed with lust.”

The Emperor stopped laughing and lifted my chin with a lingering gaze.

“Let me see what kind of expression you wear while calling me an Emperor obsessed with lust.”

“It was not my intention…”

“I am not obsessed with lust; I am obsessed with you, Empress. Is that not so?”

I shifted my downcast eyes this way and that.

I was so busy trying to escape the Emperor’s direct gaze that a sigh escaped me involuntarily.

“Are you that embarrassed? A red flower has bloomed on your face.”

“Please, let me go.”

Instead of releasing my chin, the Emperor leaned his face in even closer.

Feeling as though my cheeks were stinging under his uncomfortably intense gaze, I had no choice but to close my eyes.

It was the only way I could avoid looking at him.

“Your words and actions seem quite disconnected.”

“You ask me to let you go with your mouth, yet why do you close your eyes?”

“Shall I give you a kiss?”

“It was only because Your Majesty was looking at me from so close… that I did so.”

“Did you dislike it?”

How wonderful it would have been if he were someone I could actually tell “I dislike it.”

If I could have just pushed his hand away and told him to stop, I never would have closed my eyes.

“It is not that… but I become shy when you stare so intently…”

As I repeated the lie, it became more familiar to my tongue, flowing out without a hitch.

‘I’ll probably have my tongue cut out when I go to hell later.’

I lamented silently and cautiously opened my eyes.

The Emperor’s face was already inches away.

Exhaling a hot breath from his slightly parted lips, he slowly extended his tongue.

Lap.

The Emperor lightly licked my lips and whispered.

“Why did you open your eyes? You should have stayed shy.”

“That way, I could have kissed you to my heart’s content.”

“You must finish your meal… hng.”

The Emperor sucked hard on my lower lip.

As the gap between my pulled-down lips widened, he traced my gums with his tongue.

“This is quite enough of a meal for me.”

“I apologize for disturbing the Empress’s dinner, but please, play along a little longer.”

The Emperor persistently forced his way past my teeth with his tongue and lapped at the inside of my mouth.

As my mouth opened further, the Emperor’s tongue became increasingly relentless.

Supporting himself against my upper teeth, his tongue licked the roof of my mouth as if tickling it, and before I knew it, my mouth was wide open.

The Emperor thoroughly licked every corner of my mouth and sucked on my tongue.

My body easily grew accustomed to the sensations the Emperor provided.

When my stiffened waist turned pliant and soft, the Emperor wrapped his arm around me.

Every time his wet tongue stimulated the roof of my mouth, I gulped down the saliva surging within.

When I let out a weak groan, the Emperor chuckled while our lips remained joined.

As the kiss lengthened, my breathing grew shallow.

No matter how hurriedly I exhaled, I quickly ran out of air.

Only when I finally gripped his dragon robe and clung to him did he pull his lips away.

While I steadied my gasping breath, our eyes remained locked.

Whenever our gazes met, tracing each other’s faces from top to bottom, I involuntarily swallowed hard.

Watching the way his eyes curved uniquely each time, I felt a strange upheaval in my chest.