Chapter 17: The Shape of Unspoken Feelings

Too much time had already passed.

Nothing was technically wrong, and yet confusion was unavoidable.

Back then, Doyoon had made a decision.

“The person who dated Seha. Before the accident.”

“You stopped someone who was trying to leave just to ask that?”

“…I’ll apologize. I admit I was careless even though I already suspected it to some extent.”

Too many things had interfered with Choi Haesu’s happiness until now.

The countless false hopes forced upon someone barely in his mid-twenties.

The accident he never should’ve gone through.

The endless losses he had endured.

Maybe even these thoughts and pathetic emotions Doyoon carried were no help to him either.

So if Choi Haesu was already someone who chose to live alone at the bottom of a dark pit while hurting himself anyway, then Doyoon thought he at least couldn’t make him any more miserable than this.

“That you found out doesn’t really matter, Jiwoo. I’ll apologize too for yelling earlier, but don’t ever do that again.”

“……”

“To me, Mr. Haesu is the most important person.”

“Doyoon.”

Only after reaching that thought did he look at Jiwoo again.

Even though Jiwoo still couldn’t properly meet his eyes, strength lingered in his voice.

Like someone desperately trying not to lose composure.

Completely unaware of who was actually angriest now that every plan had fallen apart.

These were all thoughts Doyoon had while leaving Haesu’s house that morning and eating breakfast together.

He had struggled desperately trying to find an answer.

And now, after meeting Jiwoo and watching Haesu disappear, he finally realized where all the anger filling his head was directed.

At the end of it all stood neither Kwon Seha nor Yoon Jiwoo.

“Yeah.”

“Your expression looks awful, Doyoon.”

“Hey.”

“Why are you the one looking hurt?”

Choi Haesu.

A name Doyoon had never once comfortably spoken aloud.

He hated him.

That feeling alone was certain.

He hated him, and treasured him.

Strangely, those feelings always came together.

Haesu constantly burdened Doyoon with the fear that he might break apart again and hide himself away forever.

And now Yoon Jiwoo had seen through emotions even Doyoon himself couldn’t define.

That was why he couldn’t break the silence easily.

“So that’s what you really wanted to say. To Kwon Seha.”

“…Yeah. Maybe it was.”

Naturally, someone’s face surfaced in his mind.

Completely unlike the person sitting beside him.

A face so pale it almost looked colorless, always empty of both joy and sorrow.

A person who lived as though he had no emotions at all, yet smiled occasionally.

Someone whose face always looked full of things left unsaid, even though he barely spoke.

Quiet.

Gentle when he smiled.

He looked like someone impossible not to grow attached to.

Doyoon had no intention of denying how often his eyes had begun drifting toward that figure.

“You’re cruel. That person looked like he had no idea how you felt.”

“It’s not cruelty. You don’t force feelings like this onto someone who barely survived death.”

“…That person still seems stuck in the past.”

Again, Jiwoo’s words struck directly where it hurt.

If even Yoon Jiwoo, who had only briefly seen Haesu’s miserable life, could recognize it, then Haesu’s existence truly was nothing more or less than a complete wreck no matter who looked at it.

Doyoon was the only person who had stayed beside Haesu this entire time, and still he remained greedy for something called Haesu’s happiness.

And he intended to continue being greedy for it.

Sometimes he wondered if it was presumptuous.

But the hesitation born from fear and the desire to make Haesu happy had never been equal in size.

When it came to Haesu, desire always outweighed hesitation.

His increasingly selfish heart always moved his body before his thoughts could catch up.

Controlling that alone was exhausting.

Which meant there had never been a place in any of his plans for Yoon Jiwoo’s appearance.

There was so much sorrow buried inside him that even someone completely oblivious to social cues would notice it.

What filled Doyoon’s heart now was frustration.

At least for now, still shallow enough to bear.

“I’m not planning to rush Mr. Haesu. Just let him grieve as much as he wants.”

“…Anyone hearing you would think I did something terrible.”

You should look at your own expression in the mirror before saying that.

Jiwoo swallowed the words repeatedly.

He didn’t want to pile more onto a man who couldn’t even spit out his rotting emotions properly in front of others.

“Could you drop me off? If we’re heading the same way.”

“That’ll be difficult. I need to stop somewhere first.”

Lee Doyoon and Yoon Jiwoo would never again be people who could run into each other by chance and exchange pleasant greetings.

Maybe neither of them even wanted that anymore.

At least for Doyoon.

“Then it can’t be helped. Sorry for bothering you.”

The car door opened.

Jiwoo bowed slightly before slowly walking away from Doyoon’s car.

The door he left through briefly let outside air spill in again before shutting.

Ironically, the sound of the closing door finally allowed Doyoon to breathe.

More than the self-loathing from taking out his anger on someone else, what he wanted most right now was to see Haesu’s face.

He wanted Haesu nearby, where he could predict his next actions and occasionally exchange meaningless conversations with him.

If he could keep Haesu somewhere within reach, somewhere manageable, then maybe the worry and pain would disappear.

Doyoon started driving.

The time he had told Kwon Seha he would arrive at work was getting closer.

Even knowing that, he behaved recklessly like an immature person.

While driving down the road, he ignored the sound of honking horns again and again.

At some point while walking, rain began to fall.

Truthfully, Haesu wasn’t even sure whether he had reached halfway home or not.

His body had simply started feeling exhausted around then, so he loosely assumed it must’ve been about halfway.

The sunlight that filled the living room earlier that morning now felt like a complete lie.

Mocking himself for resembling the falling rain, he stepped into the nearest building in sight.

The rain poured violently before the sun had even begun to set.

Judging by the intensity, it didn’t look like it would stop anytime soon.

After stubbornly refusing Doyoon’s offer to drive him home, this was the result.

For a moment, he regretted his pointless pride.

But only briefly.

Being alone in the rain felt far better than having someone beside him right now.

The mask covering his face and the hat he wore had both darkened from the rain.

Every breath made the damp fabric brush unpleasantly against his lips.

Then he spotted a convenience store across the street.

Should he run over there and buy an umbrella before going home?

Or should he take a taxi instead, even though it was the option he least wanted?

He barely had time to think before fear of the rain growing heavier pushed his feet forward first.

That was when it happened.

“Choi Haesu.”

His steps halted abruptly, even staggering backward slightly.

Someone had clearly blocked his path.

The tall man stood beneath a large umbrella wide enough to cover two people without either getting wet.

With a playful smile spread across his face, he appeared out of nowhere and stopped in front of Haesu.

He could feel rain greedily claiming the parts of his clothes left uncovered.

The more it soaked in, the colder it felt.

Unless he was hallucinating, Choi Haesu thought he must have finally gone insane this time.

“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you answering?”

“……”

“Don’t just stand there. Come under the umbrella.”

Haesu stood there stupidly in front of the man holding the umbrella.

And toward that motionless Haesu, the man spread his free arm wide open, inviting him closer.

The man’s face was identical to Kwon Seha’s.

That was why the moment he saw him, Haesu’s feet froze as if nailed to the ground.

I’ve finally lost my mind.

After sleeping badly every day and living so pathetically, maybe something inside my head really broke.

Honestly, it didn’t even seem impossible anymore.

Out of everyone, Choi Haesu himself knew best what kind of life he had been living.

The rain hitting his face stung painfully, yet everything before his eyes felt unreal.

Apparently displeased with the fact that Haesu only stood there blankly, Seha eventually started walking toward him himself, umbrella still in hand.

The distance between them shrank until they could hear each other breathing.

Haesu had no idea what he looked like through Seha’s eyes, but Seha still faced his undoubtedly foolish expression with impossible gentleness.