Chapter 18: The Smile He Could No Longer Remember

Haesu read the emotions inside Seha’s eyes.

The cheerful grin from earlier had disappeared, leaving behind only gentle concern and affection.

“Choi Haesu. Why are you standing in the rain by yourself looking so miserable? You could’ve called me.”

Call him?

Where?

Kwon Seha’s number?

What ridiculous nonsense.

This person suddenly appeared out of nowhere and spoke impossible words so naturally.

That was why Haesu first assumed this might still be a dream from earlier today.

His trembling hand rose and slapped his own hollow cheek hard.

It should have been time to wake up now, but there was no bright flash of light, no dramatic breaking away from the dream.

Instead, a startled Kwon Seha hurriedly grabbed Haesu’s hand.

Judging by everything he could physically feel, this wasn’t a dream.

The rain was cold.

Seha’s hand, in contrast, was warm.

“Are you crazy? Why are you hitting yourself? Even I wouldn’t touch you like that.”

Then was this reality?

Did Seha hit his head somewhere overnight and regain his memories?

Was that why he appeared before Haesu exactly like he had in the dream?

But his face looked much younger than yesterday.

He seemed slightly shorter too, though the same refreshing warmth Haesu remembered from the very beginning remained untouched in his expression.

“Come on. Let’s get home before the rain gets worse. Let’s wash up and sleep.”

Only after looking at the hand extended toward him did Haesu finally decide this had to be an illusion.

It was exactly the hand Haesu loved.

Soft.

Large.

Veins visible beneath the skin, yet impossibly gentle.

And the ring Haesu desperately tried to deny the existence of was nowhere to be found.

No matter how hard he looked.

Maybe he had longed for him too much.

So now Seha appeared before him as something even more pitiful than a dream.

Or maybe the Seha from his dreams felt sorry for the Choi Haesu who had barely lasted a single day before crumbling apart again after deciding to properly live on.

Haesu took Seha’s hand.

Nothing interrupted their intertwined fingers.

The realization relieved him stupidly.

Gradually, he grew used to the damp feeling of rainwater mixed together with the familiar warmth between them.

With mixed feelings, he started walking beside him.

Just as Seha said, they were heading home.

Haesu walked quietly on Seha’s left side.

It was slightly inconvenient hearing him from farther away with only one good ear, but he didn’t care.

He wanted to stay on this side and keep feeling the hand that wore no ring.

After the vivid dawn dream and now this illusion today, it almost felt generous how many memories the world kept showing someone clearly losing his mind.

Everything about the Seha before him remained exactly the same as the Seha Haesu remembered.

That was why he slipped naturally into conversation without hesitation.

“How did you know I was standing in the rain, Seha?”

“I had a feeling you would be. You never remember to bring an umbrella.”

“Sorry. I made things troublesome again, didn’t I?”

“No. It’s not troublesome. But don’t walk around getting soaked in the rain.”

“Because it makes me worry.”

Holding the umbrella between them, Haesu gently wrapped himself around the arm gripping it firmly.

They walked.

And walked.

Without noticing his pant legs becoming soaked, he melted into the familiar and painfully missed conversation.

So you were worried.

Sorry for making you feel bad.

Those thoughts filled his mind completely.

He wanted to say something else that would make Seha feel happier.

He wanted to fill the hurt inside him with kinder words.

“Seha. I ate breakfast outside today. It was my first brunch in years. I had bread, salad, and poached eggs…”

“You ate well first thing in the morning. I’m so proud of you I almost want to kiss you right here on the street.”

“Save that until we get home. Anyway, I ate all that, but honestly I still wanted rice more.”

Quietly listening, Seha nodded.

“Of course. Haesu’s definitely a rice person. Koreans need Korean food.”

Haesu laughed at the answer.

“Right. You know me well. I wanted stew. Weirdly enough, I was really hungry.”

“Soybean paste stew with lots of square tofu pieces and zucchini?”

“Haha, yeah. Exactly….”

That’s it.

The way Seha answered so proudly like he already knew everything felt unbearably cute.

Hearing Haesu’s small laughter, Seha laughed brightly too.

They kept walking until familiar places slowly entered Haesu’s view.

The shop located just over ten minutes from home.

The small bookstore closed because of the rain.

Talking about random things, they had somehow reached this far already.

“Nobody knows Choi Haesu the rice addict better than me.”

“That’s not true. You didn’t know anything.”

Immediately looking wronged, Seha abruptly stopped walking.

Seeing him wear his emotions so openly made Haesu burst into genuine laughter right there beside him.

He didn’t hate hearing his own loud laughter mixing into the rain.

You really didn’t know anything.

You were an idiot, Seha.

Seha leaned his head heavily against Haesu’s shoulder, whining without caring that his own shoulder was getting soaked.

“How do I not know? How could I not know Choi Haesu?”

He sounded exactly like a large dog sulking.

The still-soft hair brushing against Haesu’s neck sent chills all the way down his spine.

When Haesu only kept laughing, Seha finally lifted his head again with an exaggerated pout.

His protruding lips spilled out a confession overflowing with disappointment.

“You’re right. Honestly, I still don’t know everything about Choi Haesu. That’s why I like you.”

“Since I misspoke, come stand over here already. Your shoulder’s getting wet.”

“So that’s an excuse for me to cling to you while we walk?”

As if he hadn’t kept a hand around Haesu’s waist the entire walk already.

Wearing the playful smile Haesu loved most, Seha shamelessly teased him again.

Their faces drew closer.

Pretending to glance around carefully first, Seha pressed a quick kiss against Haesu’s temple.

They had left home earlier, gone outside together, and were now returning home again.

The alleys and stores they always passed on the way home slowly appeared one by one.

Wanting to let this illusion go naturally after finally pushing away his sadness, Haesu asked something he had always wanted to know at least once.

“Seha. What did you like about me? Can I ask that?”

Quietly.

But clearly enough for Kwon Seha to hear every word.

“You’re asking that out here on the street? Ask me while we’re in bed.”

“Come on, stop joking. I really want to know.”

“If you’re curious, then ask. Why are you asking if you’re allowed to ask?”

After losing Kwon Seha, all Haesu gained was excessive caution.

Maybe this hesitant version of him felt unfamiliar to the Seha from his memories.

Trying to smile as naturally as possible again, Haesu looked toward him.

Seha exaggeratedly pretended to think hard.

If he’d had a free hand instead of holding the umbrella, he probably would’ve rubbed his chin dramatically too.

Eventually, he probably would’ve kept teasing him until Haesu got impatient.

That was exactly what he always did.

And yet strangely, this wait didn’t feel long at all to Haesu.

Instead, Seha looked down at him with confusion.

Like someone unable to adjust to his lover’s unfamiliar reaction.

“Hmm. Choi Haesu is pretty. And kind.”

“And?”

“When Haesu smiles, it’s so beautiful that…”

It’s hard not to love you.

After saying that, Seha smiled at him.

But this smile was different from all the others he had shown until now.

Before Haesu could even think about what it meant, Seha reached out toward him.

After gently touching Haesu’s much smaller hand several times, he carefully placed the umbrella handle into it.

For a moment, every movement appeared painfully slow.

Smiling sadly somewhere deep inside his eyes.

Holding Haesu’s hand.

Telling him to hold tight while placing the umbrella in his grasp.

Haesu stared blankly at Kwon Seha.

Bzzzz—

“……”

And then he watched Seha shatter into thousands of fragments before disappearing.

The surroundings and sounds remained exactly the same.

Only the Kwon Seha who had walked beside him all the way home scattered into the air and vanished.

A vibration rang out continuously.

Haesu only realized it after the first call ended and another immediately began.

Finally regaining his senses, he fumbled through his pockets.

His entire body was drenched.

Rainwater now dripped from his soaked shirt sleeves because there was nowhere left for it to seep.

Just as he realized water seemed to be pouring from every inch of his body, he also noticed that even the umbrella Seha had placed into his hands was gone.

No.

It hadn’t disappeared.

It was never there to begin with.

Not the umbrella.

Not Seha.

The buzzing phone finally dragged him from his thoughts.

Only then did he look at the screen.

The heavy rain blurred the letters beneath the water droplets.

After one large drop slid slowly downward, the words finally became readable.

[Doyoon]

It felt like a warning telling him to stop hallucinating and talking to himself and return to reality.

A signal telling him to stop behaving like a lunatic standing alone in the rain.

He was standing in front of his house.

Not the house where Kwon Seha and Choi Haesu once lived together, but the house where Choi Haesu now lived alone.

Completely soaked from walking through the rain all the way here.

Was that why Seha smiled so sadly while handing him the umbrella?

Because this wasn’t the home they shared together anymore?

Was he trying to tell Haesu with his entire being that he couldn’t enter a place without their memories?

Then should I never have left that house?

What was I supposed to do?

Seha… what do I do?

I can’t remember how to smile anymore.

The thing you said you loved about me… I can’t do it anymore.

Even the second call eventually stopped ringing.

And with his home right in front of him, Haesu remained standing there blankly for a very long time.