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Join the Server“So, Haesu… I guess you heard everything we were talking about.”
“…Yes.”
“…You were right. The kind of person who would just show up at someone’s house without thinking… Seha’s the only one who’d do something like that.”
Haesu gave a slow, reluctant nod.
It was his way of promising he would no longer pretend not to know.
He didn’t know what that single nod would mean to Doyoon, but he didn’t want to leave behind even the smallest trace of false hope.
Doyoon wasn’t someone who deserved to be treated carelessly.
To Haesu, he was someone far more precious than an ordinary acquaintance.
Perhaps because of the cold, Haesu’s nose had turned red.
Unaware of the anxiety quietly building inside Doyoon as he watched him, Haesu let out a small smile.
It had only appeared out of embarrassment, an unconscious curl of his lips.
Even so, Doyoon remained silent, watching that smile for a long while.
Maybe it was because of that smile.
Every word that had risen to the tip of Doyoon’s tongue disappeared.
He found himself unable to argue.
Unable to even offer the smallest reply.
“When I think about Seha someday… I want to be able to say, ‘Back then was fun. It was a good time.'”
“…”
“Do you think… it’s okay if I do that?”
It was exactly the version of Haesu Doyoon had always hoped to see.
The lips quietly saying those words were unbearably lovely.
Even so, Doyoon couldn’t bring himself to nod immediately.
Perhaps because, somewhere deep inside, he had secretly wished for something else.
For a life he had only ever imagined.
A life abandoned by someone else, like a discarded past.
“Why are you asking me?”
“Those memories already belong to you.”
Nothing more came easily after that.
Anyone with even a little sense would understand what Haesu was truly trying to say.
After a brief silence, Haesu lowered his head slightly before letting out a soft laugh.
This time, he was laughing because he felt sorry.
Trying once again to leave Doyoon speechless.
Even while smiling, his brows drooped sadly, and Doyoon couldn’t bring himself to resent it.
“I guess you’re right…”
The eyes he had believed were slowly losing their color still sparkled beautifully.
Maybe he should have shown it more openly.
Because those eyes kept shining even in silence, he had left them alone.
Now that light had only grown stronger.
“Yeah.”
“They’re your memories, Haesu.”
“You should treasure them more than anyone else.”
Weak.
Fragile.
Pitiful.
Perhaps the one who had always wanted to cling to those wounded hearts… had been Doyoon all along.
“I know what you’re trying to tell me.”
It was half past nine.
The time Doyoon had arrived at work that morning, wondering how he could spend the day with Haesu.
After countless thoughts and circles, they had somehow arrived at this moment.
It was colder than he had expected.
His throat stung.
Convincing himself it was only because of the freezing wind, Doyoon reached out and wrapped his fingers around Haesu’s hand.
None of this had ever been Haesu’s fault.
Even as Doyoon’s trembling fingertips settled against his skin, Haesu only smiled as though he hadn’t noticed.
“I’ve looked pretty pathetic lately, haven’t I?”
“Not at all.”
Broken.
Miserable.
Even in that state, Haesu was still someone so precious to Doyoon that he hardly dared to do anything for fear of losing him.
Yet Haesu judged himself so harshly.
Seriously, Choi Haesu… I never thought you’d talk about the person I like like that.
The teasing words stayed buried in Doyoon’s heart.
And then—
“No matter what anyone says…”
“I didn’t die because of you, Doyoon.”
Not even once had Doyoon managed to tell him he loved him.
Not even that, before he realized it himself, Haesu had become incredibly precious to him.
Yet somehow…
He felt like he finally understood what kind of answer Haesu was giving him.
“Thank you.”
“Truly.”
Doyoon’s feet, rooted to the ground until now, finally broke free from whatever had been holding them back.
He stepped forward.
But the only place he could ever reach…
was right in front of Choi Haesu.
His hand gently cupped Haesu’s cheek.
Cold.
What if he freezes?
Even knowing the weather wasn’t nearly that severe, he still searched for excuses to worry.
His thumb slowly brushed across Haesu’s soft skin.
The tenderness of that touch was almost painful.
I just want you to be happy…
Beside me.
The years you spent waiting for Seha…
Even the length of my feelings could never surpass them.
None of those words ever made it past Doyoon’s lips.
Everything he actually said came out awkward, pitiful, and painfully indirect.
“I’m sorry.”
That was the answer Doyoon finally managed to give.
Haesu’s eyes widened as he looked up at him.
An apology was the last thing this conversation needed.
Confusion spread across his face.
“For what?”
“…”
“What did you possibly do wrong?”
Doyoon let out a helpless laugh.
One hand covered his forehead while he struggled to remain standing.
Still, there was one thing he wanted Haesu to know.
“If it had been possible…”
“I wanted you to never find out.”
“That would’ve been better.”
“I really believed I could keep it hidden forever.”
The world was full of liars.
Haesu had been surrounded by them.
Kwon Seha, who had once promised forever.
And Lee Doyoon, looking at him with those eyes while insisting he had everything under control.
Both were frighteningly good at lying.
How had Haesu looked into those eyes all this time without once suspecting Doyoon’s heart?
Even if the truth had briefly crossed his mind…
he probably would’ve convinced himself it couldn’t possibly be that.
The more he thought about it, the more even this felt like his own fault.
“Until now…”
“I never even wished for anything.”
“I just hated myself.”
“…”
“I’m not so crazy that I could fall for my friend’s boyfriend and act like it meant nothing.”
To Haesu…
Doyoon would always be someone who reminded him of Seha.
Standing beside him like that…
letting his growing feelings become impossible for Haesu to ignore…
That was what Doyoon was apologizing for.
“I love you.”
“Maybe that’s why.”
“It sounds like a lie.”
“And I know I’m an idiot…”
Doyoon let out a breath that sounded almost like a groan.
He lowered his head.
He even tried looking away from Haesu.
But in the end…
the only place he wanted to remain was within Haesu’s gaze.
“I kept wishing…”
“That Seha would regain his memories.”
“…”
“Because everything that makes you cry…”
“is something you love.”
Kwon Seha had to find happiness.
That was why all of this had happened.
Because inside their story…
it wasn’t only Haesu and Seha who existed.
There was Doyoon too.
And somehow…
that fact alone hurt.
The one who should have apologized…
was probably Haesu.
He had to admit that, more than once, he had selfishly wished Doyoon’s endless kindness wasn’t love.
His throat burned.
The realization that he had hurt someone else was suffocating.
Even knowing Doyoon’s love for him wasn’t much different from the love he himself had once carried for Seha…
it still felt as though he had done the exact same thing to Doyoon.
“But…”
“It was only after you started loving me…”
“…”
“I even thought…”
“That if Seha got his memories back someday…”
“I hoped he’d fall all the way into hell.”
Before Haesu could sink any deeper into self-loathing, Doyoon’s voice pulled him back.
As though refusing to let him drown in guilt.
He confessed the ugliest parts of himself.
His jealousy.
His selfish desires.
“He made your life miserable.”
“I guess…”
“Seha isn’t even my friend anymore.”
Even as he spoke, Doyoon laughed.
The smile looked ridiculous, even to himself.
Which somehow made it feel even less like a joke.
Trying to start walking again, Haesu reached out his hand.
He felt sorry for the man who couldn’t even hesitate properly, choosing jokes instead.
His fingers gently played with Doyoon’s fingertips, filled with quiet uncertainty.
“Come on.”
“I’ll walk you home.”
“…Why are you saying it like we’re about to part forever?”
“Let’s go home.”
“And finally get some rest.”
The moment he admitted he couldn’t love Doyoon…
Haesu realized he could no longer walk into Doyoon’s house as casually as he had just a little while ago.
But he couldn’t avoid it either.
In only a few days, that apartment had become filled with Haesu’s belongings.
Clothes carrying his scent.
The white pill bottles that seemed to contain every ounce of his suffering.
Sheets of A4 paper.
Pens.
Half-finished mint candies.
Imagining Doyoon surrounded by all those traces of him…
Haesu couldn’t help reaching out his hand.
“Haesu.”
“It’s cold, isn’t it?”
“…”
“Let’s go.”
“Let’s get home.”
After hesitating for a long while, Doyoon finally took Haesu’s hand tightly.
Then he hurried forward.
Haesu naturally matched his pace.
Hearing that gentle, sorrowful voice, Haesu buried away the brief fear that perhaps…
they might never have another chance to walk together like this again.
How had I never noticed before?
Now that he finally understood Doyoon’s feelings, the sheer weight of that love left him breathless.
If neither of them spoke…
it felt as though they might end up kissing before they even reached home.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Just…”
“Mm?”
“Just?”
“I was thinking…”
“If I’d never met Seha…”
“Maybe…”
“I could’ve loved you.”
Doyoon stared at him before laughing in disbelief.
Sometimes he wished every word that came from that absent-minded face was a lie.
But words spoken without thinking were never lies.
And they always broke him.
Just like now.
Every reason Haesu couldn’t love him…
came back to Kwon Seha.
Who exactly was he supposed to hate?
“…You’re cruel.”
“I really hate Kwon Seha.”
“I hate him too.”
“I kind of want to punch him.”
“I guess we’re more alike than we thought.”
The excitement doesn't stop here! If you enjoyed this, you’ll adore The Moon Reflected In The Water. Start reading now!
Read : The Moon Reflected In The Water
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