Chapter 42: Borrowing Each Other’s Warmth

This was already the second time today.

The second time Doyoon had come home.

The first time, he had returned alone.

The second time, Haesu was with him.

Around six o’clock, he had hurried home because he knew Haesu was waiting for him.

The walk had felt unbearably long.

Now, standing before the same door, entirely different thoughts weighed on him.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that once Haesu stepped inside, he would soon leave again.

And this time, disappear from his life forever.

The thought alone made him reluctant to open the door.

He slowed every step as much as he possibly could, as though adding weight to each footfall.

Even so…

he still found himself standing in front of the apartment.

Haesu didn’t enter the passcode.

Nor did he rush Doyoon, who remained frozen in silence.

After blinking absentmindedly a few times, lost in thought, Haesu gently took hold of his hand.

“…We’re here.”

“I’m sorry, Haesu.”

“I was just… upset.”

“I know.”

“And… I’m sorry for that too.”

None of this is your fault.

Normally, Doyoon would have answered that without hesitation.

But for some reason, the words refused to come.

Somehow, in such a short time, he had become petty.

Small.

Pathetic.

He couldn’t even bring himself to lie and tell Haesu everything was alright.

“Haesu.”

“If you wake up tomorrow and decide you want to go home…”

“Then go tomorrow.”

“Look what time it is.”

“Where are you planning to go now?”

“I never said I was leaving.”

“I thought you might.”

“So I’m trying to stop you before you do.”

“I wanted to spend the weekend putting together that puzzle with you.”

It was unlike Doyoon to say something so childish.

The words reminded Haesu of someone else.

The thought drew an involuntary laugh from him.

Are all close friends alike in strange ways like this?

Not wanting Doyoon to see the expression on his face, Haesu buried it against Doyoon’s back as he stepped into the apartment first.

Only a few seconds earlier, Doyoon had failed to tell him everything would be alright.

Now he already regretted it.

Wanting to make up for it, he wrapped his arms around Haesu’s waist before even taking off his shoes.

His embrace wasn’t hurried.

Even the way his arms encircled Haesu’s waist was impossibly careful.

“Haesu.”

“And… I want to take back what I said earlier.”

“Hm?”

“How could Kwon Seha ever become a good memory?”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Just forget everything.”

“…”

Looking down at Haesu’s face, Doyoon almost wondered if this was really the same man who had been sulking only moments ago.

There were other people who deserved his frustration.

He wished he could simply bury his childish behavior and let time erase it.

At least…

until he heard Haesu laughing softly against his chest.

“I once got drunk and fell.”

“I hit my head.”

“…When?”

“I don’t remember exactly.”

“It wasn’t that long ago.”

“Wait.”

“You were taking medication and still drinking?”

“Haesu.”

“Have you lost your mind?”

The careful hands that had been afraid even to hug him disappeared instantly.

Without thinking, Doyoon began rummaging through Haesu’s hair in a panic.

It wasn’t even his own injury.

Yet his hands moved frantically across Haesu’s head.

The ticklish strands brushing against his forehead made Haesu giggle.

“Listen first.”

“Anyway…”

“Trying to avoid getting scolded?”

“But even then…”

“I still didn’t forget.”

“You can’t erase feelings just because you want to.”

Still clinging to one another, they slowly moved deeper into the apartment.

Even while listening to Haesu’s quiet voice, Doyoon’s eyes refused to leave the top of his head.

“There.”

“I found it.”

He couldn’t tear his gaze away from the small scar Haesu had somehow acquired.

Its mere existence felt unfair.

It was slightly sunken.

Uneven.

It reminded him far too much of the scars Haesu had left on himself.

Looking at it made him want to cry.

“That must’ve hurt.”

“They let you drink…”

“…”

“Let’s just kill Kwon Seha.”

“Haha!”

The hesitation that had lingered on Haesu’s face vanished.

He laughed.

But only for a moment.

Soon his brows drooped again.

Now that he knew Doyoon loved him, he couldn’t bring himself to say such things so carelessly anymore.

He had probably realized that even honesty could wound someone.

Doyoon looked carefully at his face.

Even after coming inside, the tip of Haesu’s nose remained red.

Soon, the corners of his pale eyes began to redden too.

Despite the promise he had made himself only hours ago, Haesu still seemed clumsy when it came to handling the sharp swings of his emotions.

“Still…”

“As long as I remember…”

“I miss Seha.”

“Not the person saying all those awful things now.”

“The old him.”

“People are strange.”

“It’s frustrating.”

“And honestly…”

“I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore.”

Held in Doyoon’s arms, Haesu was warm.

The gentle rise and fall of his chest was strangely comforting.

When Doyoon pulled him closer, Haesu simply followed.

His small, slender body came willingly into his embrace as he lifted his head.

Their damp eyes met.

As though he had been waiting for this, Doyoon broke the silence.

His lips brushed softly against Haesu’s ear.

“You can think I’m an idiot.”

“I already know.”

“No one thinks that.”

“No one truly understands everything you’ve been through.”

“…”

“It’s okay.”

“Little by little…”

“It’ll stop hurting.”

The steady warmth of Doyoon’s breath drifted into the ear that still hadn’t lost its hearing.

His calm voice felt almost hypnotic.

“I told you earlier.”

“There’s nothing you need to rush.”

Five years had already disappeared.

Before he realized it, Choi Haesu was already thirty.

And yet…

according to Doyoon, there was still nothing he needed to hurry.

Maybe proving that would ultimately be Haesu’s responsibility.

But hearing Doyoon say it so confidently…

made it feel true.

You’re always on my side.

I don’t know if you’re being objective anymore.

He was about to tease him—

but Doyoon spoke first.

“But why don’t you try using me?”

“I told you I like you.”

“…What kind of thing is that to say?”

“How could I ever use you?”

“You’re almost too kind.”

“Come on.”

“Do what they do in movies.”

“Show Kwon Seha.”

The joke stole away the steady breathing Haesu had only just regained.

Love this excessive always destroyed the one who carried it.

Once upon a time, Doyoon had imagined himself asking Haesu something like this.

Reality felt even more pitiful than his imagination.

Am I really this pathetic?

No.

There were people you could cling to shamelessly.

Haesu wasn’t one of them.

Without even noticing, Doyoon’s lips lightly pecked his temple.

Haesu didn’t know where to begin scolding him.

The unfamiliar ticklish sensation made him shrink slightly.

“If a movie had a script like that…”

“It would get destroyed by critics.”

“…So it wouldn’t even break even?”

“No.”

“It probably wouldn’t even get funded.”

Haesu answered just as playfully.

Their warm cheeks rested together.

Even as Doyoon mischievously nudged his lips with the tip of his nose while they talked, Haesu never looked away.

Their quiet laughter mixed with uneven breaths.

He had never imagined rejecting someone could hurt this much.

Especially someone who understood that same unbearable pain better than anyone.

Knowing he couldn’t return Doyoon’s feelings tormented Haesu.

Fresh tears slipped down his cheeks.

Before they could linger there, Doyoon gently wiped them away.

Haesu was endlessly grateful for the warmth Doyoon offered him.

And yet…

no matter how hard he tried…

he still couldn’t call it love.

Perhaps…

he really was a terrible person.

“…Doyoon.”

“You know…”

“Your breathing.”

“Your heartbeat.”

“They’re so loud.”

His lips had already wandered across Haesu’s temple.

His soft cheeks.

The smooth bridge of his nose.

As though leaving tiny seals behind.

Finally…

they came to rest near the corner of Haesu’s mouth.

Being this close, Doyoon smelled nice.

The emotions gathering behind his teeth escaped as a quiet, aching sigh.

“…I’m a complete mess.”

“You are.”

“Look at you…”

“I really made you this miserable, Doyoon.”

It was Haesu who finally broke the comfortable silence.

His half-lidded gaze followed the warm breaths leaving Doyoon’s lips.

Slowly, he placed his pale fingers against Doyoon’s cheek.

The instant Haesu touched him…

Doyoon finally let go of the thread he had been desperately holding onto.

“Haesu.”

“I want to kiss you.”

“…”

“I meant what I said earlier.”

“Even if it’s only for a little while…”

“Forget Seha.”

Telling Haesu to use him…

had always been Doyoon’s own desperate plea.

For someone who seemed so capable, he was strangely soft-hearted in moments like these.

After all, no one knew better than Doyoon just how stubborn Choi Haesu could be.

If, after everything…

Haesu still told him he couldn’t love him…

then Doyoon had already decided he would simply put Haesu to sleep and spend the night repenting alone.

Instead…

Haesu gave him something else.

He gave him permission to understand this moment.

Following Doyoon’s gentle guidance, he wrapped his arms around his neck and met his eyes.

Countless emotions passed silently between them.

Confusion.

Embarrassment.

Guilt.

Fear.

Fear of not knowing what this conversation would become in minutes…

or hours.

And hidden among all those feelings…

was Haesu’s selfish desire to lean on someone.

That feeling was the strongest of all.

Even seeing Doyoon’s lips drawing closer…

Haesu didn’t pull away.

Doyoon cradled the back of his head and gently drew him in.

Nothing about the movement felt forceful.

Yet the tongue that slipped between his lips was relentless.

“W-Wait…”

“Mmh…”

“J-Just…!”

Their lips separated for only an instant with a shaky gasp—

before crashing together again.

“Ah…!”

Doyoon tasted bitter.

The lingering flavor of coffee mixed with his saliva as it filled Haesu’s mouth.

It was the first kiss that had ever tasted like this.

A place Haesu had never given to anyone except Seha…

was now being claimed by Doyoon’s warm, insistent tongue.

It swept through him.

Slowly.

Patiently.

His mouth felt completely filled by that soft, burning warmth.

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