Chapter 65: A Love That Cannot Be Shared

Heat rushed to his head.

Jiwoo bit down hard on his lip, enduring the sensation of his head growing hot.

Right now, he wanted to tear out even this cumbersome hair of his.

Maybe it would be better if he could simply remove this head that did nothing but think useless thoughts and harbor ugly feelings.

The impulse was sudden and filled with rage.

“…Ugh.”

Even while being held by Kwon Seha, he felt as though he were standing alone somewhere.

Everything was wrong.

This wasn’t right.

Wasn’t this something that should never happen?

His chest felt completely blocked.

It was as if someone had crammed all sorts of things into a narrow space.

He was holding a tiny bowl in his hands, yet he had been greedy.

That was why breathing felt difficult, and eventually, his solar plexus began to ache.

“Hah, ah….”

“What’s wrong? Does something feel tight?”

The person you liked looked like that.

You liked him.

Those were the things you liked.

Yoon Jiwoo could not even ask whether that had not been Seha’s type.

Only pained sounds remained in his mouth.

All that emerged was another reason to hate Kwon Seha.

He wanted to say something twisted—that it was unfortunate that the person Seha had liked looked nothing like him.

Seha, who knew nothing, wore a worried expression at Jiwoo’s strange reaction.

The words that could not leave his mouth screamed at Yoon Jiwoo.

They looked down on him, asking why he was doing nothing instead of questioning and confronting Kwon Seha.

They clicked their tongues, mocked him, and turned him into a joke.

His clenched fist began to tremble.

It felt as though everything in the world was ridiculing Yoon Jiwoo, asking what he could possibly do.

I know.

I know I should ask about what happened yesterday.

What on earth was he thinking when he did that?

Was that really the best choice?

Now that he already knew everything, he knew he could not avoid confronting Kwon Seha.

I know.

I know, I said.

I know everything so painfully well that it felt like it might kill him.

Overwhelmed by emotion, Yoon Jiwoo abruptly rose and shook his head wildly.

He straightened his body from where he had been lying down and crawled on his knees away from the center of the bed.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he met the eyes of Yoon Jiwoo in the mirror directly across from him.

Now even that person seemed to be mocking him.

That’s right.

Why had he opened that box and ended up like this?

What was the point of deciding he would no longer dig into Kwon Seha’s past and destroy himself?

In the end, this was what had happened.

This damned personality of his could not endure even one thing like that.

He had been going mad with the desire to know the truth.

Even though he knew there was no use in finding out, he had only been busy pretending otherwise.

“Why are you suddenly acting like this, Jiwoo?”

“Let go….”

In the mirror, Kwon Seha was sitting beside him, leaning his head back with a languid expression.

Seha seemed flustered by Jiwoo’s sudden behavior.

His face hardened as he got up as well and carefully took hold of Jiwoo’s arm.

Jiwoo could not take his eyes off Kwon Seha.

Even after shaking off Seha’s hand as if telling him to stop everything, the moment he looked at him, he helplessly felt love for him again.

My lover.

The person I will marry.

The person I will live with for the rest of my life is here.

He is so lovable.

I cannot help but love him….

“Let go, let go!”

“Jiwoo.”

“I said let go!”

He hated him enough to die.

He felt betrayed.

Even though Kwon Seha had not abandoned him, Yoon Jiwoo was acting as if he had already lost the person he loved.

Even though there was someone else who had truly been abandoned by Kwon Seha.

The fact that he had to bring this up now felt humiliating.

The emotions he had not felt while secretly following the trail of Kwon Seha’s time without him now came rushing in all at once, filling Yoon Jiwoo with self-loathing.

The excuse that he had simply been too curious to bear stabbed and tore him apart.

Things that were not even his fault were now tormenting him more than anyone else could.

“You….”

“What’s wrong with you? Did something happen? You’re not really sick, are you?”

“You, yesterday….”

He understood the lie Kwon Seha had been forced to tell, yet he still resented him.

He did not understand why he had to go this far.

From the moment he began speaking, Yoon Jiwoo’s decision now might erase the two of them completely.

Kwon Seha might see him as a terrible person.

He might call Jiwoo’s attempt to uncover the truth sinister.

Because of it, he might no longer look at Jiwoo with the same affectionate eyes as before.

Did Jiwoo really bring this up without worrying about even that?

Even if he had to endure everything, there was one thing he desperately wanted to hear.

“You met Choi Haesu yesterday.”

Don’t worry.

It’s already over.

The wedding is not far away, so it is meaningless to talk about it.

Not an empty answer like that….

“I’m disgusting, aren’t I? I heard everything. That person was sitting in my place, and you, you….”

“…….”

“I heard you trying to save him, even if only for a moment. I heard it all. Every single thing….”

Jiwoo desperately wanted Seha to say that he would protect them, even if he had to throw everything else away.

His eyes were bloodshot.

Not his hands, but his shoulders were trembling.

His breaths were short and shallow, interfering with every sentence he forced out.

He had to try to calm himself down.

More than crying, he wanted to speak clearly.

“I won’t ask how you happened to meet him. I wouldn’t believe you anyway.”

Seha’s lips stiffened.

He could not say anything.

It did not seem as though he simply chose not to speak.

His eyes were blank, and the furrow between his brows slowly began to ease.

Perhaps he had not tried particularly hard to hide it, but he seemed flustered that Yoon Jiwoo knew the things he had not intended to say.

“Putting everything else aside, I know it was serious. I know what situation you two were in, and what you talked about. I heard everything.”

“…Jiwoo.”

“No. Listen to me. Listen to me first.”

“…….”

“What you did wasn’t wrong. It was the right thing. Unless you were going to leave someone to die, I would have done the same thing.”

As he spoke each sentence, some calm gradually returned to his trembling voice.

Then he almost laughed at how absurd it was.

Not because of what Kwon Seha had done, but because he himself was telling such pathetic lies.

He would have done what Kwon Seha did?

Absolutely not.

Yoon Jiwoo was closer to an ordinary person.

He could hate people without reason, so saying he did not resent Choi Haesu would have been a lie and hypocrisy.

“But I wish Choi Haesu had died. I wish he would disappear.”

He regretted pretending to be a good person in front of Kwon Seha only seconds ago, when this was all he had truly intended to say.

It was not as though he expected Kwon Seha to understand any of this.

Perhaps he had only been trying to prevent Seha from speaking.

Yoon Jiwoo may have been the one who lit the fire beneath something sinister and trust-breaking, but he wanted to say that these actions were justified.

Who in the world would want to give their place to someone else, even for a moment?

“Is it wrong for me to think this way?”

Choi Haesu had done nothing wrong.

That was exactly why Jiwoo hated him even more.

If Haesu had been endlessly cruel and had desperately tried to strangle Yoon Jiwoo, perhaps Jiwoo could have pitied him instead.

How unfortunate.

He must have been abandoned by the person he loved and broken down like that.

How pitiful.

Jiwoo would have thought that and ignored him.

But Haesu had not shown that kind of side.

When Jiwoo told him never to meet Seha again, not even by accident, had he not refused to nod so easily?

In other words, Choi Haesu seemed to care about nothing except loving Kwon Seha.

Even if he could not stand beside him.

That was what tormented Jiwoo.

The Kwon Seha Jiwoo knew, and the Kwon Seha from the remnants of that past he had seen yesterday….

Once his memories and heart fully returned to their proper places, he would never know how to stop loving someone like Choi Haesu again.

“But it feels like someday, he’ll take you away from me….”

He wanted to keep loving Kwon Seha.

He wanted to stay by his side.

For the first time, Yoon Jiwoo realized that the emotions he had been feeling were loneliness and murderous intent.

He now truly wished that Choi Haesu, who could make even someone who had everything feel this way, would disappear.

“Even if your memories come back…. He isn’t taking you back from me.”

“…….”

“When you said you loved me, it wasn’t a lie. What we have is love too.”

If there was something one wanted to obtain, it was only right to give something up in return.

Yoon Jiwoo wanted Kwon Seha, even if it meant living with anxiety for the rest of his life.

So he pressed Kwon Seha to promise him their future.

Even now, Kwon Seha looked perfectly fine.

His lover was continuously cursing someone, and that person had undoubtedly once been more precious to Seha than anyone else.

Yet Seha did not even blink.

Because he had no memories.

People were, in a way, very simple.

Because he had no memories, he did not even know how deeply he had loved him.

Everyone except Kwon Seha knew.

The time when you loved Choi Haesu, Kwon Seha—it did not matter.

How much you loved him, how many moments had built these two damned people—it truly did not matter at all.

In the past Jiwoo had secretly witnessed, Kwon Seha had desperately needed Choi Haesu in every moment.

That was how he loved him.

Could there really have been a reason for a love like that?

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