Chapter 49: Something to Cry About

“Why did you go in when you can’t even swim? Do you want to die again?”

Each syllable was laced with anger. His sudden attitude made my head spin.

“……”

If anything, I was the one who should be angry. I should be screaming and lashing out. Yoon Heesung was the one who had done something insane.

The sea doesn’t just change color with the weather. The strength of the waves changes too. Today, rain had poured down and the wind was rough. The waves were as steep as cliffs.

I hadn’t grown up in this neighborhood, but there were basic facts anyone could know about the sea. Yes, this was common sense. When the waves were too strong, you didn’t go into the water. Yoon Heesung had casually ignored that and pulled something dangerous. Even with ten lives, no sane person would do something so reckless.

Unless he was someone who treated the fear looming right in front of him as nothing.

“You, where do you think this is, that you’d…”

Yoon Heesung let go of my shoulder, which he had been gripping like he was going to crush it. He irritably pushed back his wet bangs, then suddenly frowned.

The only light sources were the light falling from the villa at the top and the moonlight, so why could I see Yoon Heesung’s face so clearly? Maybe because water droplets were still clinging to my face, my vision was hazy and everything around me was blurry, but strangely, only Yoon Heesung’s face was vivid. Even his wet eyelashes left a clear image on my retina.

Yoon Heesung reached out with a flustered face, like someone who had been poked somewhere strange. He rubbed my cheeks roughly and asked in disbelief.

“Is this something to cry about?”

Only after his words did I realize I was crying. I thought it was just seawater plastered all over my face; I didn’t even know I was crying. But no, I could see your face clearly. Instead of saying that, I took a deep breath.

Yoon Heesung kept moving his hand. It seemed like he was trying to wipe away my tears, but he was soaked through too, so it didn’t help much.

“……”

He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again. Then he gave up wiping my tears and grabbed my arm, pulling me along.

The inside of my ruined shoes was squelchy. Yoon Heesung was pulling my arm relentlessly, and it hurt, but I had no strength to resist or protest. I wasn’t in the mood to anyway. When he climbed the uphill path, when he passed through the villa gate and went into the annex and hurried up the stairs, I let myself be dragged along obediently. My toes kept hitting the edge of the steps, but I didn’t let out a single groan.

Yoon Heesung practically threw me into the bathtub. He grabbed the showerhead without hesitation. After testing the temperature a few times, he started spraying water at me. The droplets clung to my face tenaciously, making it hard to breathe. I flailed my arms and finally spoke.

“I’ll wash myself. I’ll do it, so……”

“Be quiet. I’m angry too.”

He, who I thought was water-torturing me, gave me a warning.

“Crying isn’t the answer.”

“……”

“You think I’ll go easy on you if you cry?”

Yoon Heesung didn’t stop there. He tried to lecture me. I was drained, but I couldn’t help being dumbfounded. At his absurd words, I stopped trying to argue and said weakly.

“I really thought you were going to die……”

I really thought he was going to die. I thought he was going to kill himself, walking casually into the churning sea. ……I really thought he was trying to commit suicide.

But at my nasal voice, Yoon Heesung clicked his tongue. As if I were talking nonsense.

“I just went in to get the umbrella. Why would I die?”

“……”

At this point, I wondered if he was in his right mind. Where in the world was there a person who would go into violently churning currents just to retrieve an umbrella?

Any normal person would step back from a sight like that. It was instinct. The reflexive nervous system designed to protect life; Yoon Heesung’s seemed broken.

Naturally, I recalled the scene of him beating someone without a second thought, and the sight of him shielding me and taking a knife.

I had been shocked by the former, that one person could beat another like that, and I had felt guilt over the latter, that he had been hurt because of me.

But, maybe Yoon Heesung was……

……perhaps just that kind of person.

Maybe he was someone who took his own injuries as lightly as he did hurting others.

I finally realized it. Yoon Heesung didn’t just hurt people and leave it at that; he also threw himself into danger without a care. He was that kind of person.

He was fundamentally different from me.

What on earth was he thinking, living like that?

It occurred to me that what Madam had kept telling me, to “take good care of Yoon Heesung,” might have been sincere. It wasn’t a request to watch over him like a child. Maybe it was a request to keep an eye on him because he could do something dangerous at any time.

Yoon Heesung looked at me, lost in thought and silent, and spoke.

“Fine. I won’t swim anymore.”

“……”

“Alright? You calm down too.”

Yoon Heesung even put a period on it, as if wrapping up the situation.

I felt a sense of déjà vu.

I remembered the time we rode bicycles together. Yoon Heesung had neatly wrapped up the situation that day too.

‘Then wear a helmet from now on, or just don’t ride, right?’

“……”

He lowered the water pressure. Lukewarm water seeped through my hair. The gentle stream, so out of place, made it feel like everything that had just happened was a dream, but the salty smell of seawater remained on my clothes.

I couldn’t believe it. Yoon Heesung genuinely believed that saying that was the end of it. Because he had gone into the sea and I had cried, he had concluded that he wouldn’t swim anymore. Just like when I’d told him not to ride the bicycle dangerously.

Somehow, our conversation was focusing on different things. We were facing each other and talking about the same topic, but we were looking in different directions.

I felt as low as before.

Even though I knew Yoon Heesung was trying to cheer me up.

“Are you going to wash with your clothes on? Aren’t you going to take them off?”

His words snapped me out of it. Yoon Heesung clearly had no intention of talking about this subject anymore.

“I can’t wash unless you leave.”

I hurriedly snatched the showerhead from his hand.

“I’ll wash myself.”

“……”

Yoon Heesung looked at me with a dissatisfied face, but then walked out without another word. From under his feet, as wet as mine, came the sound of splashing through shallow puddles.

When I heard the door close, I slowly took off my clothes. My hands moved mechanically, but my mind was on only one thing.

Yoon Heesung.

I was absorbed like a scholar trying to read a book written in an unfamiliar language. I dug in, and dug in again. The images of Yoon Heesung I had seen so far. All the things I had liked, been disappointed by, and felt bleak about came to mind.

‘Then what am I supposed to do now?’

No matter how much I tried to pretend otherwise and cover it up, the past didn’t disappear. If I turned away now, it might bring even greater trouble. Who knew what consequences my desire to side with Yoon Heesung and keep him by my side would bring……

I was lost in thought and only got out of the bathtub after a long while. I dried off roughly, put on the pajamas that were on the shelf as always, and opened the bathroom door.

The room was empty.

“……”

Yoon Heesung didn’t go down to the first floor, but he roamed the second floor freely. It was his house, so it was natural, nothing strange. But when he wasn’t in my sight, tension suddenly crept into my shoulders. My body stiffened like I had seen something frightening.

I rushed out of the room.

“Yoon Heesung!”

A dark hallway, and beyond it, an even darker outside.

I could hear the sound of waves somewhere.

“Yoon Heesung! Where are you!”

Just not seeing him was enough to scare me. I wondered if he was doing something crazy somewhere again. Whether it was to mess with me, or just because he was insane.

I had to see for myself right away. I had to make sure he was safe. I hurried through the hallway like a drowning person flailing in water.

Madam’s voice came to mind.

‘Keep an eye on Heesung so he doesn’t do anything else.’

Was this how she felt?

Was she afraid to leave him alone, afraid of what he might do, afraid of what state he might show up in, and so she entrusted Heesung to me?

I’m scared of leaving Yoon Heesung alone.

I reached the end of the hallway. There was the sound of water. It came from the bathroom attached to the exercise room. As soon as I felt signs of someone through the bathroom door, the tension drained out of me.

“……”

But I couldn’t relax. I crouched down on the dark exercise room floor, with the lights still off. I planned to go in immediately if I sensed anything strange from inside. I was just worried that Yoon Heesung would do something out of bounds again. He was someone who could do anything without any warning.

“What are you doing here?”

“……”

But when Yoon Heesung came out of the shower and asked curiously, seeing me sitting on the floor by the door, I couldn’t tell him the truth. I gave an awkward excuse.

“Oh, nothing. Just, let’s go to bed soon. I’m sleepy.”

Even to me, it was a ridiculous excuse. Yoon Heesung looked at me with a sullen expression.

“……”

Yoon Heesung probably didn’t know I was desperately hiding my feelings. He would never have guessed that I was agonizing over hiding my fear of him, my unease, and everything else I couldn’t explain.

So Yoon Heesung could just casually say something like this to me.

“You did something wrong, so why are you so confident?”

“……”

“I’m letting it slide this time.”

In the end, Yoon Heesung blamed it all on me. He never once considered that he had gone in first, never realized that he himself had almost died, and only blamed me for going into the water without knowing how to swim.

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