Chapter 51: Should I Get Hurt One More Time?

Maybe a person needs more than just food and sleep to live. Besides money, I mean. Like someone who says the things you want to hear, or someone who takes care of things without you asking.

Things like a hand brushing your forehead, or a scolding voice with worry underneath.

I couldn’t help getting addicted to Yoon Heesung. He acted however he wanted, but he still watched my mood.

He noticed when I was sick. He actually listened to me.

Now I knew why I couldn’t let go.

But I knew too much about him now. Yesterday especially. If I stayed by his side, things like that would happen over and over. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to spend every day on edge.

The stitches and bandages were off. The half-healed wound was no longer my absolution. My chest felt hollow. I was depressed because of Yoon Heesung.

The cold dragged on longer than I expected. Just when I thought I was better, the cough came back and my nose clogged up.

The fever never got bad, thankfully. I skipped school.

Still, the day after I’d been bedridden, I was well enough to do other things. I insisted on sitting up and flipping through my workbook, and Yoon Heesung made no effort to hide his displeasure.

“You want to do that even when you’re sick?”

“The CSAT isn’t that far away.”

I was really just uncomfortable sitting still, but I lied. Yoon Heesung sighed, then sat down beside me and opened his own book.

“I’m going home now. I stayed at the villa too long.”

That lunch, I told him I was going back.

“Those guys probably won’t come back, and you got your stitches out and all.”

It was partly because I’d already decided which way to go. With the absolution gone, my resolve hardened.

I wanted to defend Yoon Heesung. At the same time, I didn’t want to take his side. But I didn’t want to blame him either.

So there was only one thing I could do. If I couldn’t accept him and couldn’t abandon him, only one choice remained.

“Yoon Heesung. You should come to school every day now.”

“…”

“You have to graduate.”

“Anyone would think you’re my parent.”

Yoon Heesung frowned, but nodded generously.

“Fine. But take this.”

He held out a new phone, like he’d prepared it in advance.

“Answer right away when I call.”

“It feels weird taking something this expensive.”

“You lost yours because of me.”

“Still…”

My old phone had probably been swept away by the waves. When I hesitated, Yoon Heesung said,

“I told you to tell me first if anything happens. So I’m giving it to you.”

“…”

This was the problem with Yoon Heesung. Whenever I hesitated, he’d pull out his own words and coax me gently. He could be as rough as he wanted, but with me he went soft.

“…I’ll use it well.”

On the way back to the apartment with my hastily packed bag, I checked the new phone. The number was the one I’d always used, and the only contact saved was Yoon Heesung. I didn’t add anyone else.

Coming home after so long, the place didn’t scare me. I thought I’d shake the moment I walked in, since the loan sharks used to show up here. But maybe because I’d seen something more shocking than that, it barely affected me.

What bound me instead was the helplessness from that day. I felt despair, as if common sense had collapsed. Yoon Heesung had walked into the sea as if it were nothing.

The downpour was pitch black, like the inside of a closed eyelid. Droplets clung to my lashes like a spiderweb, and every time I tried to push forward, the waves knocked me down.

“…”

But once Yoon Heesung was out of sight, the worry came rushing in. I sat and solved problem after problem. Anything I didn’t know, I memorized outright.

When I was hungry enough to die, I’d microwave some frozen fried rice and get back to studying. As long as my head was buried in the problems, I could forget about him for a moment. But the moment there was any gap, I was worrying about him again.

‘Is he pulling something weird right now?’

Do I turn strange too, just by being next to a strange person? I don’t know how I ended up thinking like this.

Even without me, the villa had the Madam, and there were other servants.

But…

The Madam went out often. According to Mom, she had more days away than days at the villa. The servants couldn’t come up to the second floor of the annex.

Since I’d never once run into them in the annex, they probably couldn’t even come to the first floor often.

And when they did, it must have been only when Yoon Heesung wasn’t there.

That meant if Yoon Heesung did something strange, some insane thing I couldn’t even imagine, there was no one to stop him.

“…Ah.”

My fingertip stung. A bead of red blood had formed. I’d bitten it without realizing.

I wiped the blood on my clothes.

I shouldn’t already be this restless. What I was about to do was bigger than this.

I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them. I took a deep breath.

I calmed down a little. Thinking of it as a kind of rehearsal made my mind lighter.

Then I thought that maybe Yoon Heesung would come to school tomorrow, and I felt even lighter. Right. I just had to slowly get ready to separate from him, bit by bit, until winter. Don’t rush it.

“It’s fine. Everything will be fine…”

I muttered under my breath.

This morning was fairly cold. Then it got hot again in the afternoon. I could feel the season changing.

Yoon Heesung really came to school, like he’d said before. Maybe because I’d left the villa. It almost made me think he’d been coming to school all along just to see me.

His seat was still right behind mine, and we went to the cafeteria together like always.

“Is it nice being home?”

Yoon Heesung asked with a bored face. His chopsticks kept lifting the dried shredded squid and putting it back down.

“Not that it’s nice…”

I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong. But maybe I was still weak with him. When he asked like that, all hurt, I started fumbling.

I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was just living in my own house.

Yoon Heesung finally set the squid down, like he didn’t want to eat. He stirred his soup with his chopsticks, propped his chin on his other hand, and said,

“Let’s go together after school today.”

“Oh. I’m going to self-study at school from now on.”

Yoon Heesung frowned at that.

“At school?”

“Yeah. I used to self-study at school anyway. I’m starting again today.”

I said it as casually as I could. It was a prepared answer. I’d thought up a natural excuse in case Yoon Heesung asked.

“The CSAT isn’t far off now…”

That should be enough. My voice hadn’t trembled, and I hadn’t shown any guilt. I said it like it was natural, like it was the most obvious thing.

I chewed without even knowing what I was eating. I kept shoving plain rice into my mouth.

“…”

My whole body tensed, as if I’d done something wrong. It was because Yoon Heesung stayed quiet. He didn’t say anything for a long time.

All he did was stare at the bits floating in his soup with a detached look.

Then, finally:

“Should I get hurt one more time?”

He muttered it. I couldn’t believe my ears.

“…What?”

Yoon Heesung put down his chopsticks. He looked down at his own palm. I knew what line was drawn there without seeing it.

All the blood in my body started to run cold. I swallowed what was in my mouth without chewing. I had to say something.

“I… what did I… because you got hurt…”

But everything that came out of my mouth was pathetic. I’d meant to say, do you think I’ve been nice to you just because you got hurt? Do you think that’s all it was?

Yoon Heesung set down his chopsticks. His gaze fixed straight on me.

“You’re not coming because I’m all healed now.”

“…”

“Am I wrong?”

My head went blank for a second. Was that it? Even I’d been thinking the absolution would last until his stitches came out. Was I shaken because he’d hit the nerve?

But more than that, the thought of Yoon Heesung getting hurt again made my head spin. He was saying he’d get hurt again, just to pull my attention back. My stomach turned.

‘You don’t even know what I was thinking when you got hurt.’

At the same time, my heart dropped because it felt like Yoon Heesung could see the low, ugly side of me. I’d pushed aside everything he’d done, turned his wound into an excuse, and gone back to getting along like before.

Those times stabbed at me like a dagger. I’d seen a person turn into a bloody mess right before my eyes, and I’d pretended not to know. It struck me late.

But what else am I supposed to do? Sometimes I’m scared you’ll act like Im Namwoo and his bunch. Then I remember the old days and feel glad, and then I remember you got hurt because of me, and I feel sorry.

Is it really that wrong of me to be this confused?

…But if I said all of that, Yoon Heesung would get hurt.

In the end, excuses spilled out of my mouth.

“…No. It’s not like that. Should we go to the villa today? Yeah. Let’s go. I’ll go.”

“Forget it.”

Yoon Heesung answered lightly and stood up with a tray he hadn’t even half eaten. His face was pale, unlike his voice. It was obvious he was leaving because he was upset.

He shoved the tray into the dish return without looking back and walked out, unhurried.

My whole body went cold. I just stared blankly at the cafeteria door, unable to follow him. I couldn’t do anything.

I didn’t have the energy to chase after him, and even if I did, I didn’t know what else I’d say.

I finally left the cafeteria after a long while, still going back and forth. Should I apologize, tell him again that I’d go with him? But I really needed to keep my distance now.

Every time my heart went soft like this, the resolve I’d built felt like it would collapse.

And yet, when I remembered the voice that had muttered, “Should I get hurt one more time?”…

…Maybe one day at the villa would be fine. That was what I settled on as I headed up to the classroom.

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