Chapter 65: I Shouldn’t Feel This Way (But I Do)

“Aren’t you heading out on a mission?”

Once again, Su-ha ignored Gi-yoon’s question and said what he wanted to say. Gi-yoon, looking as though he hadn’t expected anything from Su-ha to begin with, replied with a bored expression.

“I was just about to head out anyway. It’s partly an investigation, so it’ll probably take about a week… Tell Chaewon I said we’ll meet after I get back.”

“…Yes.”

“Make sure you tell him. I’ll be checking.”

“Yes.”

Su-ha answered mechanically, one response after another, with a completely lifeless expression. Seeing a face that clearly looked like he had no intention of passing the message along, Gi-yoon felt a brief surge of irritation.

But he didn’t have time to linger, and arguing would be pointless anyway, so he clicked his tongue once and turned away.

Su-ha stood there for a moment, watching Gi-yoon’s retreating back. He had expected him to throw out one last barbed remark, so Gi-yoon’s silent departure honestly caught him a little off guard.

Ever since Su-ha had rejected Gi-yoon’s offer to pair up, the two of them had lived like oil and water for a long time.

Being rejected despite being an S-rank esper would have wounded his pride enough, but on top of that, the guide who rejected him had thrown away every other opportunity and was clinging to Min I-hyeon’s pairing. It was only natural that Gi-yoon would be furious.

Ever since then, Gi-yoon had been desperate to sneer at Su-ha whenever they crossed paths, so for him to leave this quietly was unexpected.

After watching the corridor where Gi-yoon had disappeared, Su-ha turned back toward the examination room. The world connected to Chaewon was changing little by little. And among those changes, the clearest one was Jin Su-ha himself.

****

“The tests are almost finished, but Su-ha still hasn’t shown up?”

Eunho asked Chaewon, who was sitting back on the bed after having his blood drawn. Chaewon glanced toward the door once before answering.

“Yeah… He said he’d come, but maybe something came up…”

When they’d parted, Su-ha had definitely said he’d come straight to the examination room, but it seemed things were taking longer than expected.

Chaewon found himself wondering whether he should wait here if the tests ended before Su-ha arrived, or just head back to the dorm first.

That was when Eunho spoke in an utterly ordinary tone.

“Why don’t you give him a call?”

That casual remark, so normal, so unremarkable, suddenly struck Chaewon like a massive force crashing through his entire body. Chaewon stared at Eunho with a flustered expression, as if he’d heard something he wasn’t supposed to hear.

Seeing that reaction, Eunho stiffened in surprise and quickly said,

“Don’t tell me… you don’t have Su-ha’s number?”

“N-no, I do. He gave it to me…”

Chaewon hurried to explain, responding to Eunho’s expression that clearly said, You mean Jin Su-ha didn’t even give you his contact information?

But Chaewon still hadn’t recovered from the shock he’d just felt.

If he wanted to, Chaewon could call Su-ha. Not to say anything important, just to ask when he’d be coming, whether it was okay to keep waiting here, or if he should finish up and return to the dorm alone. Just for those small, everyday things.

The fact that there was someone he could call for reasons that trivial was something no one could fully understand the weight of, not for Chaewon.

Of course, Chaewon couldn’t actually bring himself to call Su-ha over something so insignificant. The contact information had been given in case something happened, after all. He couldn’t call just because he couldn’t sleep and wanted to talk to someone.

Still, Su-ha’s number was there on his phone. If he was sick, if something felt wrong, if he needed advice about what to do for work-related matters, Chaewon could contact Su-ha.

That night, Su-ha’s voice resurfaced in his mind, reminding him over and over to call if anything felt even slightly off. Memories flashed by of countless nights spent curled up in a cold corner of a room, enduring pain alone as it carved into him.

“Chaewon…?”

Noticing the sudden heaviness in Chaewon’s demeanor, Eunho called his name carefully. Chaewon blinked rapidly. Feeling like he was about to cry, he lightly thumped his thigh with his fist.

He wondered when he’d become someone who cried so easily. After everything he’d been through, Chaewon had rarely cried, stubbornly enduring each day. Not wanting to alarm Eunho further, he forced his voice to sound normal and spoke.

“Ah, I’ll finish the tests first… and if he still hasn’t come by then, I’ll call him.”

Chaewon averted his gaze, hoping Eunho hadn’t noticed anything strange. At that moment, a presence stirred near the door, and Eunho spoke again in a noticeably lighter voice.

“Well, I guess there’s no need to call.”

At the same time, Chaewon turned his head and looked at the person approaching him. It was Su-ha. Terrible timing. As Chaewon squeezed his eyes shut once more, Su-ha closed the distance, greeted Eunho briefly, then looked at Chaewon and spoke in a gentle voice.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I’m sorry I made you go through the tests alone.”

“No, it’s okay.”

Even as he said it, Chaewon thought the words sounded strange. He was an adult. It wasn’t as if this were anything special. Getting tests done was something he could easily handle on his own. And yet, Su-ha spoke as though being by Chaewon’s side was simply a given.

Was being someone’s guide supposed to involve caring for so many things? Did all guides put in this much effort for their paired espers?

Probably. It probably wasn’t something happening just because it was him. Even so, he couldn’t stop blinking rapidly.

In the meantime, Su-ha turned to Eunho and asked,

“Is there anything left?”

“Ah, just one more thing.”

“Nothing concerning so far?”

“For now, everything we can check immediately looks fine. We’ll need to review the blood test results later, though.”

Su-ha nodded quietly, then spoke as if making the most natural request in the world.

“If there’s even the slightest cause for concern, please be sure to let me know.”

“Yes. I will.”

And Chaewon sat there, watching the exchange between the two of them.

A persistent itch spread through his chest. Even on the day he’d been told in the hospital that he was terminally ill, Chaewon had been alone.

There was no one to worry about him, no one to even tell. The only other person who knew he had mere months to live was the doctor who’d delivered the diagnosis.

And yet now, there were people who felt like they should never have existed in his life. People who paid attention to his condition. People who worried about his body and wanted to know how he was doing.

Chaewon hurriedly lowered his gaze, staring at the floor as he bit his lip. These feelings were unfamiliar. They weren’t something he could have prepared himself for.

“…Chaewon?”

As he struggled desperately to think of something else, Su-ha’s voice reached him. Unable to lift his head, Chaewon suddenly found Su-ha’s face entering his lowered field of vision. Su-ha had dropped to one knee in front of the bed, lowering himself to look up at him.

Worry was clearly reflected in his eyes, Chaewon’s own image mirrored there.

“What’s wrong? Does something hurt?”

The voice was far too gentle, completely unhelpful to Chaewon in that moment. Unable to answer, he simply shook his head. Su-ha’s expression darkened further.

“Let me take a look.”

Su-ha spoke in a low voice and immediately took hold of Chaewon’s hand. It didn’t stop there. At the same time, Su-ha’s other hand came up to cradle one side of Chaewon’s cheek. Chaewon wanted to make Su-ha stand back up, but he couldn’t say or do anything. He remained frozen, feeling only Su-ha’s gentle touch.

“I don’t see anything obviously wrong… Did something happen during the examination?”

“No, nothing like that…”

“Chaewon, was there anything that made you uncomfortable?”

At Su-ha’s sharp question, Eunho also stepped closer, asking with a surprised, worried voice. Neither of them was helping at all. Chaewon bit his lip hard once more, then finally managed to speak.

“No, I’m really okay! Really. It’s just… just…”

His thoughts tangled into a mess. He needed an excuse that wouldn’t worry them, but nothing came to mind in such a short span of time.

Trying to calm him, Su-ha slowly let his energy flow and gently rubbed Chaewon’s cheek with his thumb. He seemed unaware that the gesture was only making Chaewon more confused.

Maybe that was why. Because everything he could see, everything he could feel, was Jin Su-ha. His world was so completely filled with Jin Su-ha that there was no room to make up any other convenient excuse.

And so, before he even realized it, Chaewon spoke, half of it sincere.

“It’s just… seeing your face made me happy… that’s why…”

The movement of Su-ha’s hand, which had been soothing the back of Chaewon’s hand, came to an abrupt stop. He’d definitely heard Chaewon’s voice, but it felt as though his mind couldn’t quite process what he’d just heard.

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