Chapter 116: A Confession Without Preparation

Chaewon couldn’t even manage the sound of his own breathing; he barely blinked.

Each time he closed his eyes, he thought that when he opened them again, everything would vanish like a dream or an illusion.

But no matter how many times he squeezed them shut and opened them again, Jin Su-ha, face flushed red, standing straight and looking only at him, did not disappear or scatter.

“I like you, Lee Chaewon.”

The last words replayed over and over in his ears like a broken radio. Chaewon listened again and again to the echo returning to him, trying to understand what they meant.

The words I like you could hold feelings of many different temperatures. Chaewon liked Su-ha. He liked Eunho. He liked Ye-seon and Se-jin. Su-ha, too, surely liked many colleagues and friends in that same way.

But in this moment, the words Su-ha had brought out with such difficulty could not possibly mean the same kind of “like” that could be said to just anyone. No matter how clumsy Chaewon was with relationships, he couldn’t mistake this situation so carelessly.

It felt like he was pinned under invisible weight. He couldn’t move even a finger. As if he had forgotten how to breathe, even drawing a single breath felt difficult.

He knew he had to answer. He knew he couldn’t just remain silent like this. His mind kept repeating that he had to speak, but when he tried to open his mouth, his will failed to form words. Only shallow breaths escaped.

Then he felt trembling from the hand Su-ha was still holding.

At first, Chaewon thought it was his own shaking. But it wasn’t. There was a different tremor there. Only then did he sense, beyond those steady eyes, the fierce fear trembling inside Su-ha.

And that trembling slowly began to awaken Chaewon’s frozen body.

Su-ha spoke again.

“I know this must be surprising. Sudden. I didn’t mean to confess like this… not so clumsily…”

If he were going to confess, he had wanted to do it beautifully. Slowly, so that Chaewon wouldn’t be frightened. Drawing closer little by little, expressing himself clearly, narrowing the distance, then, when the right moment came, preparing everything perfectly and doing it properly.

He had wanted to give Chaewon a moment beautiful enough to erase their disastrous first impression entirely.

But love, when it arrives, is sudden and impulsive, and perhaps it is never something that goes according to plan.

The confession that burst out at a completely unprepared moment startled Su-ha as much as it did Chaewon. Su-ha took another deep breath, as if calming himself, and continued.

“I wanted to prepare more. Try harder. Wait until you’d opened your heart to me a little more. Then confess in a way that was truly worthy of you… But still… I hope you can understand how sincere I am.”

“Su-ha, I… I don’t…”

“I won’t force you to answer right now. Just… just know that I will never choose another esper over you. That’s all I need you to know.”

He wanted to give Chaewon certainty. He didn’t want him to feel anxious or guilty over some misunderstanding. He wanted him to stop thinking he was an interference in Su-ha’s life. That was all Su-ha wanted.

“I… I…”

At last, Chaewon forced out a trapped breath and opened his mouth. But what came out was only a string of disordered sounds, not a sentence with meaning. His thoughts were tangled beyond recognition; he couldn’t sort which words to pull free.

“Chaewon!”

As his legs gave way and he staggered, Su-ha quickly wrapped an arm around his waist and held him upright. Their bodies pressed fully together, and through that contact Chaewon felt Su-ha’s trembling, and the violent pounding of his heart.

It felt strange. That someone could tremble because of him. That someone could confess to him and be this tense waiting for an answer. It felt like a cruel joke someone had carefully designed.

Like someone under a spell, Chaewon looked up at Su-ha and spoke in a shaking voice.

“That can’t be true…”

It was a cruel response to a confession.

“There’s no way… there’s no way you could like me… Maybe… maybe you’re mistaken…”

“Chaewon.”

“Or maybe I didn’t understand the joke? I’m sorry. I don’t really… get what kind of joke this is…”

Trying to dismiss the confession entirely was the worst possible reaction, enough to shred the heart of someone in love.

“Chaewon. It’s okay. Listen to me.”

But Su-ha wasn’t hurt.

If anything, his wildly pounding heart began to settle, and he almost felt like laughing.

He knew what kind of person Chaewon was. He knew how unfamiliar and difficult these feelings, and this confession, would be for him.

No matter how much time Su-ha had taken expressing himself, until this moment of direct confession, Chaewon would never have fully believed him.

It wasn’t Chaewon’s fault. He wasn’t oblivious or indifferent to others’ feelings. The world he had lived in all his life had simply been too narrow and harsh to leave him room to understand emotions like this. Su-ha knew that.

“I’m sorry, Su-ha. I’m sorry.”

Not even knowing what he had done wrong, Chaewon repeated apologies out of habit. Holding him firmly, Su-ha slowly drew up his strength and began a gentle guiding. Through their contact, Chaewon’s raw anxiety poured into him.

If he hadn’t been thrown into such a difficult life, he would have been someone loved by countless people. If he had only been given a slightly better environment, he might have grown so accustomed to love that he took it for granted. He was that lovely. That worthy of affection.

And realizing that someone so deserving had grown this unfamiliar, almost resistant, to being loved tore through Su-ha’s heart once more, slicing it open with regrets that were never truly his to claim.

“Shh, Chaewon. Listen to me.”

After the guiding, Chaewon seemed to calm slightly. Leaning against Su-ha, he stopped apologizing, breathing unevenly. Su-ha cupped his cheek again, lifting his face so their eyes met.

“I spoke too suddenly. Of course it’s hard for you to accept right now. Don’t apologize.”

“…”

“We’re already partners. And we have plenty of time. I’ll keep saying it, again and again, until you can open your heart and accept it. So for now, it’s okay.”

Chaewon didn’t understand what exactly was “okay.” He instinctively knew that the things he had blurted out couldn’t have sounded good to Su-ha. He must have been the worst possible person to confess to.

And yet Su-ha said it was okay.

It shouldn’t be okay. It wasn’t right. If Su-ha grew angry, if he said, “How dare you insult my feelings like this after receiving something so undeserved?”, that might have made more sense.

So why was he saying it was okay? Why was he still holding him with such warmth and tenderness?

Everything felt impossibly confusing.

“Just… Chaewon…”

“…”

“Even if I confessed, just don’t start hating me. Don’t feel uncomfortable around me. That would really hurt.”

He smiled as he said it, a smile so clearly warm that even someone who understood nothing about human emotion could see it.

The tension that had frozen Chaewon like ice finally began to melt. His eyes shimmered, on the verge of tears, as he spoke.

“How could I ever hate you? I… I can’t do that…”

“…”

“I can’t.”

It was the truth.

Chaewon had never examined what color his feelings toward Su-ha were. He hadn’t needed to. He had always believed he was nothing but an obstacle to Su-ha, someone who would eventually have to let him go. So his own feelings had never mattered.

He didn’t know what name to give them. He had never considered how much weight his heart carried within the countless meanings of “like.”

But one thing was certain.

He could never hate Su-ha.

Even if one day Su-ha came to understand who Chaewon truly was and his feelings faded, Chaewon was sure he would never be the one to turn away first.

In Chaewon’s world, Su-ha was already the only one. Absolute and irreplaceable.

He had said countless wrong things today.

But at least this one thing, this single truth, he wanted Su-ha to know.

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