Chapter 36: If I Let You Go, I’ll Regret It

“Huh?”

Chaewon asked back at Su-ha’s sudden words.

Su-ha forced his expression to look natural and continued speaking.

“We don’t even have each other’s contact information yet. If something happens later tonight, or if you start feeling unwell… please contact me.”

To be honest, Su-ha wanted to stay by his side tonight.

He knew perfectly well that his condition had stabilized, but he still worried something might happen and wanted to watch over him.

However, the thought that acting like this all of a sudden might burden Chaewon made him unable to say those words out loud.

Hearing Su-ha’s words, Chaewon nodded with a look of realization and fumbled around in his pocket before pulling out his phone and handing it to him.

Su-ha entered his own number into the phone, pressed the call button, checked that the ringtone went through, and then returned it to Chaewon.

“…Even if it’s something trivial, that’s fine. If anything feels even a little off, please contact me right away.”

The more he spoke, the more vividly he felt just how irresponsible he had been toward Chaewon all this time, and his face grew hot.

Even though he knew Chaewon’s condition better than anyone.

Even though he knew, down to the parts no examination could fully reveal, how much Chaewon had been enduring and holding out on his own.

And yet, until now, he had let Chaewon spend those nights alone.

Even if Chaewon found Su-ha’s presence uncomfortable, Su-ha had no right to complain.

“Ah…”

At that moment, Chaewon, who had received the phone back and was quietly staring at the screen with the saved number, let out a small exclamation.

Su-ha, wearing a puzzled expression, spoke.

“Is there a problem?”

“Huh? Ah, no… it’s not that…”

“…?”

“It’s just… this is the first time I’ve ever saved a number directly like this…”

Even as he spoke, Chaewon’s gaze never left the digits displayed on the screen.

Eunho had given him a business card, telling him to contact him if anything came up, but Chaewon still hadn’t saved that number in his phone.

At the time, Chaewon had thought that he might leave this center at any moment.

He didn’t want to touch things that he might end up having to return.

Since he didn’t have any personal contacts to save anyway, Chaewon’s contact list had remained completely empty from that day until now.

And now, Chaewon was looking at that empty space filled with Su-ha’s number.

He still wasn’t the Esper everyone hoped for, and the Esper he himself wished to be.

Nor would he ever be able to become the Esper Su-ha wanted.

But that wasn’t everything.

Just because he hadn’t reached the place he longed for didn’t mean he had achieved nothing at all.

Chaewon no longer lived in preparation for the moment he might be expelled from this place.

Instead, he was truly trying to become someone worthy of the name “Esper,” pushing forward step by step.

Rather than shrinking back while imagining a place to retreat to, he struggled to take one more step forward when driven to his limits.

It was fine if he didn’t meet the world’s standards.

It didn’t matter if people thought he was useless because of that.

Chaewon simply wanted to find the very best he himself could do.

That realization suddenly made his chest swell.

“Thank you. Don’t worry. I won’t bother you over something unnecessary.”

Chaewon smiled and spoke to Su-ha with genuine happiness.

How those words, about not bothering him, reached Su-ha was something Chaewon couldn’t possibly guess.

****

Instead of heading straight back to the dorm, Su-ha walked for a long time along the trail winding around the center.

His mind was too tangled to return just like that.

A single day that wasn’t even over yet felt distant, as if it had stretched into an eternity.

They say that when someone becomes too fixated on a single goal, they lose the ability to reflect on themselves.

Su-ha realized he was the perfect example.

He couldn’t understand how he had ever managed to convince himself that he was at least doing the bare minimum with his words and actions toward Chaewon.

Even if he realized his mistakes now and felt remorse, there was no way to turn back time.

A few hollow words of apology wouldn’t magically make his heart feel lighter.

But what weighed on Su-ha’s chest right now wasn’t only regret.

Doing his job properly as Chaewon’s guide from here on out wasn’t difficult.

He only had to do his best, just as he had for other Espers until now.

The problem was that, regardless of Su-ha’s efforts, Chaewon couldn’t help but believe that Su-ha still secretly wished to become Min I-hyeon’s guide.

He would, of course, correct his wrong behavior, but no matter what, he couldn’t take back the things he had already said.

Now that Chaewon knew Su-ha’s circumstances, things he didn’t even need to know, judging by the personality Su-ha had come to understand, the harder Su-ha tried and the more earnest he became, the more guilt Chaewon would feel.

“Haa…”

A deep sigh escaped him.

Even so, he couldn’t exactly tell Chaewon now that he no longer wished for him to become Min I-hyeon’s Guide.

“…”

As that thought crossed his mind, Su-ha suddenly stopped walking.

The question surfaced out of nowhere: so then, what exactly do I feel right now?

Ye-seon’s proposal was still valid.

The better Su-ha performed as Chaewon’s guide, the more Chaewon would become stable enough to pair with another guide.

And then, just as Su-ha had once desperately wanted, he would be able to free himself from Chaewon.

Chaewon was already showing immense potential as an S-rank Esper.

If Su-ha considered what he had originally wanted, he should have felt hopeful.

And yet, what was this vague unease now gnawing at his chest?

Letting out another sigh on top of the many he had already breathed, Su-ha finally started walking again.

This heavy feeling in his heart had to be nothing more than the result of his past arrogance toward Chaewon.

There couldn’t be any other reason.

****

“A day off?”

Chaewon asked back in shock, as if he had just heard a word he’d never encountered in his life.

Ye-seon, startled instead by Chaewon’s reaction, widened his eyes and spoke.

“Why are you so surprised? Is the word ‘day off’ really that shocking?”

“No, it’s not that… I just didn’t think something like that would exist here…”

Only then did Chaewon realize his reaction had been excessive.

He slightly hunched his shoulders and replied in a small voice.

Ye-seon, watching the faint flush rise on Chaewon’s usually pale cheeks, let out a small laugh.

“What, did you think we worked every single day without any breaks?”

“Ah, right. That would be absolutely terrible.”

At Chaewon’s overly serious, resolute response to what had been a joke, Ye-seon smiled.

Then his gaze shifted toward Su-ha, who was sitting beside Chaewon.

Su-ha was turned almost entirely sideways, looking at Chaewon as if the conversation itself didn’t interest him at all.

After observing Su-ha with an intrigued look for a moment, Ye-seon turned back to Chaewon.

“Anyway, you’ve been running nonstop until now, Chaewon. Take some time to rest and get yourself together.”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“And maybe go out and look around nearby while you’re at it?”

Ye-seon added playfully, winking at him.

Since his awakening, Chaewon had done nothing but suffer inside the center, so Ye-seon hoped he would enjoy his first day off.

He could have relayed the message through Eunho, but he wanted to tell Chaewon directly, face to face.

Contrary to Ye-seon’s expectations, however, Chaewon didn’t look particularly happy even after hearing about the day off.

Seeing Chaewon’s gaze sink even further, Ye-seon glanced at Su-ha in confusion.

Su-ha, too, seemed to have noticed the shift in Chaewon’s mood, wearing a slightly worried expression.

In the awkward silence, Chaewon spoke.

“I don’t need a day off…”

“Hm?”

“What?”

Both Ye-seon and Su-ha reacted in surprise, Su-ha asking back in a flustered voice.

Chaewon blinked, as if startled by their reaction, and then continued.

“Su-ha gives me plenty of guiding, so my condition is really good. And it’s not like I’m struggling, why would I take a day off? I haven’t done anything anyway…”

It was a statement so absurd it was almost speechless.

Ye-seon was just about to hurriedly refute it, baffled by how Chaewon could have come to think this way, when Su-ha spoke first, his voice sharp and urgent.

“What do you mean you haven’t done anything? Why would you say that?”

“When everyone else is risking their lives out in the field, all I’ve done is go back and forth between the training room and the infirmary.”

Chaewon’s calm reply nearly made Su-ha let out a sigh, which he barely managed to suppress.

The way Chaewon looked straight at him as he said those words, his eyes impossibly still, left Su-ha momentarily at a loss for words.

Chaewon truly believed it.

That he was doing nothing worthwhile here, only wasting everyone’s time.

That was what Chaewon thought of himself.