Chapter 60: Not Just a Guide Anymore

With every word Chaewon spoke, countless moments resurfaced, times Su-ha had endured grueling training while thinking of I-hyeon. Just as Chaewon said, it had all been for one reason alone: wanting to be of help to I-hyeon. Wanting to become a guide worthy of the name Min I-hyeon.

Because he wanted to be Min I-hyeon’s guide.

“That’s why you worked so hard, harder than anyone else ever did.”

And so Su-ha had done everything he could, putting in efforts no other guide had ever made.

“Th-that’s… that’s…”

Strangely, standing in front of Chaewon, Su-ha couldn’t bring himself to affirm it easily. It was Su-ha himself who had already admitted that everything he’d done was to become I-hyeon’s guide.

There was no reason to hesitate or be flustered just because Chaewon had brought it up again.

And yet, the words wouldn’t come. Faced with a question that should have been answered naturally with a simple “Yes, that’s right,” Su-ha found himself completely stuck. In front of him, Chaewon lowered his gaze, as if no answer was even necessary, sinking into thought.

“Chaewon…”

Without realizing it, Su-ha took a step closer and called his name. It wasn’t because he had something specific to say. He just felt uneasy. Afraid, for no clear reason. A mass of tangled emotions swirled inside him, and Su-ha knew exactly what to call that confusion.

It was regret.

“Chaewon. I… it’s true that I worked hard to become Team Leader Min’s guide, but…”

Su-ha stammered, his words scattered. There was no need to make excuses. Setting I-hyeon as his life’s goal and running toward it with everything he had was never something to be ashamed of.

And yet, why did he feel like someone making excuses now, his heart shrinking, his words failing him?

As if he had finished sorting out his thoughts, Chaewon lifted his gaze and looked straight at Su-ha.

“Su-ha-ssi, you’re a really good person.”

No. Su-ha thought he had never once been a good person to Chaewon, not from the beginning until now.

“Even though all of your efforts almost came to nothing because of me, you still acknowledged me, accepted me, and even tried this hard for my sake…”

Chaewon hadn’t ruined anything. The position of Min I-hyeon’s guide was never something Su-ha had possessed in the first place, nor was it ever a guaranteed future. Even if Chaewon hadn’t existed, there was no promise anywhere that Su-ha would have become I-hyeon’s guide.

“I don’t think I’m really in a position to say this, since I got in between the two of you… but I’m sure there’ll come a day when all that effort pays off.”

It felt as though someone were choking him, Su-ha could barely breathe. Got in between the two of you. If he could, he wanted to go back in time and clamp his hand over his past self’s mouth for ever having made Chaewon say something like that.

“With a guide like you, Su-ha-ssi, Team Leader Min must be very fortunate.”

Chaewon smiled as he said it. It was a gentle smile, completely free of resentment or bitterness. If anything, it carried an apologetic note toward Su-ha. He truly, sincerely still believed himself to be an obstacle between Su-ha and I-hyeon.

Su-ha stood there blankly, staring at Chaewon’s smiling face. The words he wanted to say shattered into fragments, flying chaotically through his mind.

It was despairing to realize that no matter how much he regretted it, no matter how much he apologized, he couldn’t erase the idea that had already taken root in Chaewon’s mind.

Like spilled water that could never be gathered again, once he had said those words, nothing Su-ha did now could undo them.

The only way to even begin to blur this situation was for Su-ha to stop wanting to be I-hyeon’s guide. Unless he came to wish to remain not as Min I-hyeon’s guide, but as Lee Chaewon’s paired guide, there was no path forward beyond the solid wall blocking his heart.

“Ah, sorry- I’ve kept you with pointless talk. You should go rest, Su-ha-ssi.”

Unaware of the storm raging inside Su-ha, Chaewon spoke in a clear, gentle voice and moved as if to see him off.

“Su-ha-ssi…?”

Su-ha suddenly grabbed Chaewon’s wrist. In Chaewon’s questioning eyes, there wasn’t even a trace of resentment toward him. If only he had been angry, if only he had blamed him, this wouldn’t hurt so much.

Stepping closer, Su-ha spoke in a low voice, almost a whisper.

“We haven’t done the guiding yet.”

“Oh! I’m sorry, I completely forgot.”

Su-ha had come to Chaewon’s quarters to provide the guiding they did as a matter of routine, but after talking for so long, they’d overlooked it entirely.

Chaewon turned back toward the sofa to sit down, but Su-ha didn’t let go of his wrist. Instead, he pulled him closer, drawing him back in front of himself.

Chaewon looked at him with clear confusion. Su-ha spoke again, his voice still low.

“We’ll do it here.”

“Standing up?”

“Yes. With the intense training ahead, we’ll be doing close-contact guiding from today onward.”

“Close-contact guiding…?”

Chaewon trailed off. He’d remembered waking up once after collapsing, completely held in Su-ha’s arms. Even though this wasn’t the same situation, his heart still sank heavily for a moment. Instead of answering, Su-ha slowly pulled Chaewon closer by the wrist.

Their bodies gradually closed the distance. Realizing Su-ha’s intention, Chaewon held his breath without meaning to. Su-ha’s hand slid from Chaewon’s wrist to his shoulder, drawing him into an embrace.

Reflexively, Chaewon spread his arms and wrapped them around Su-ha’s waist, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to hold on tightly, his fingers only managed to clutch the fabric of Su-ha’s shirt.

Chaewon felt Su-ha’s arms tighten around him. He knew this was all purely for guiding efficiency, and yet he felt strangely self-conscious.

He understood, rationally, that this was just work and not a private act. But since his grandmother’s passing, Chaewon had hardly ever felt another person’s warmth like this. It was unfamiliar.

Getting used to skin contact for guiding was something an esper needed to do. Telling himself that, Chaewon tried to relax his body. Just then, warm breath brushed near his ear, and Su-ha’s voice followed.

“May I begin?”

It was no different from his usual voice, but hearing it so close sent a jolt down Chaewon’s spine. Hoping his tension wouldn’t be too obvious, Chaewon answered quietly, “Yes.” At the same time, Su-ha’s large hand came up to cradle the back of his head.

When Chaewon’s body stiffened reflexively, Su-ha spoke again.

“Even if it feels uncomfortable, you need to lean on me fully to improve efficiency.”

“Oh, sorry. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable. It’s just… I’m not used to it yet…”

Worried Su-ha might misunderstand why he was tense, Chaewon hurried to explain. It had simply been far too long since he’d embraced someone. Resting his face against Su-ha’s chest, Chaewon suddenly realized he could feel Su-ha’s heartbeat, and he held his breath.

“You’ll get used to it gradually. Then… we’ll begin the guiding.”

As soon as Su-ha finished speaking, warmth radiated from his body, flowing gently into Chaewon through every part of him.

Chaewon’s hand clenched tightly around Su-ha’s shirt. Almost at the same time, the energy flooding through his body felt so good it could only be described as blissful.

When Su-ha had guided him by holding his wrist or hand, it had felt like water slowly seeping in from the edges. Now, it was as if he’d been submerged all at once, head to toe.

He’d thought he’d already been receiving sufficient guiding, but once the close-contact guiding began, he realized how wrong that was. His body had been craving Su-ha’s energy all along. It felt like it had never once been enough.

The scars left by the previous battle felt almost visible, marks he could only recognize by borrowing Su-ha’s energy.

“Mmm… Su-ha-ssi…”

Chaewon called his name without any real intention behind it, more like an involuntary sound. The sensation of energy pouring fervently into him, touching even the deepest places, melted both his mind and body.

Without realizing it, Chaewon gripped Su-ha’s shirt even tighter and rubbed his forehead against Su-ha’s chest.

An indescribable sense of satisfaction bloomed, yet alongside it, a different kind of thirst remained, still unfulfilled. Chaewon didn’t know what it was, or how to ease it. All he could do was press himself further into Su-ha’s arms.

“…”

In that moment, Su-ha barely managed to bite his lip and keep himself from swearing aloud.

Su-ha had guided many espers before. Naturally, there had been others who reacted similarly while receiving guiding. And yet, he was flustered. Feeling that the one receiving his guiding was lovable, that was something he had never experienced before.