Chapter 114: Half Impulse

“Ha…”

After hanging up, Chaewon let out a deep sigh and clasped his phone tightly in both hands. He felt as if all the blood had drained from his body from sheer tension.

Sending Su-ha that message had been half impulsive. At first, he had only been replaying his conversation with I-hyeon in his head. But the moment he imagined Su-ha guiding I-hyeon, the emotions that had begun to boil inside him surfaced naturally.

Jealousy. Obsession. Possessiveness. The desire to monopolize.

Words for feelings that had never once existed in Chaewon’s life flickered in and out of his mind. He wondered if that was really what he had felt, and if it was, he was afraid.

They said jealousy was only natural in a pair bond. But he and Su-ha were different from other pairs. They hadn’t chosen each other out of mutual affection to begin with, and it hadn’t even been that long since Su-ha’s feelings toward him had shifted into something like fondness.

In a situation like this, was it right for him to cling to Su-ha so much? Would it cause problems between them? If Su-ha found out, would he feel uncomfortable? Startled? Would he distance himself?

Before any of that, why was he, of all people, shamelessly feeling this way toward Su-ha? That alone was astonishing. For a fleeting moment, he even wondered if this, too, was some kind of side effect he carried.

As he sat alone in the quiet night of the park, sinking deeper into his thoughts, the place his emotions finally reached was, absurdly enough, longing.

As he turned over his feelings for Su-ha again and again, he found himself wanting to see him. To see his face. To meet his eyes. To hold his hand. And in the end, he even wanted to confess these feelings and hear what Su-ha thought.

When had he become such a shameless person?

He was afraid of what would happen if Su-ha knew, and yet at the same time he wanted to tell him everything. How far was the line Su-ha had drawn for him? Within the distance they currently shared, how close was he allowed to step? It was impossible to gauge.

Did other awakened ones go through this same process with their pairs? Or was he simply bad at getting close to people?

By the time he came back to himself, he had already sent the first message to Su-ha.

For someone who mentally simulated even a single line of conversation multiple times before speaking, it was an uncharacteristic impulse.

Still gripping his phone tightly, Chaewon stared at the entrance of the park where Su-ha would appear. He worried whether Su-ha had been surprised or flustered by the message, yet the fact that he had come out immediately to see him made his heart flutter.

‘Is it okay to expect this much? Is it really alright to contact him whenever I miss him? Are we that kind of relationship now?’

Somewhere between excitement and fear, Chaewon wandered.

“Ah…”

Then, in the distance, he saw a familiar figure. Even the shifting shadows cast across his face by the streetlights made Chaewon’s heart lift.

He was just walking toward him. Just coming because Chaewon had called. And yet, each step Su-ha took across the park made his heart pound.

He suddenly remembered the first time they had met and exchanged greetings. The coldness in Su-ha’s gaze had made it impossible to pretend otherwise, and back then Chaewon had given up immediately on the idea of growing close to him. Now it felt like a distant memory.

After facing death, awakening as an Esper, entering the Center, and crossing countless storms of events, Su-ha now stood before him.

“Su-ha…”

“Chaewon, did something happen?”

He had only said his name once, yet Su-ha immediately sensed that something was off and asked with visible concern. Chaewon forced a smile and shook his head.

“No. What could have happened? Nothing’s wrong.”

“…Should we sit? Or take a walk?”

Still unconvinced, Su-ha studied his face before asking carefully. As Chaewon briefly turned to glance around the lamplit park, Su-ha’s fingertips gently touched his forehead.

Startled, Chaewon looked back, but Su-ha paid no mind. Slowly, he brushed aside a few slightly tangled strands of hair from Chaewon’s forehead.

The gesture was so intimate it defied words. Chaewon unconsciously held his breath.

‘Are we at a point where this is allowed?’

Questions he had barely managed to suppress surfaced again, altered in subtle ways. If that was the case, could he reach out and stroke Su-ha’s face too? If he felt like it, could he take Su-ha’s hand? Pull him into an embrace?

Even though he wasn’t a guide in that sense, and Su-ha wasn’t an Esper in need of guiding, would it still be okay for him to do the same?

Questions he wanted to ask but couldn’t rose and fell rapidly. If he asked Su-ha directly, the answer would be painfully clear. And precisely because of that, he couldn’t ask.

If Su-ha gave a negative answer, Chaewon would never be able to hope for these things again. Rather than hear a closed answer that would lock the door forever, he would rather leave it in a world of uncertainty, where at least a sliver of hope remained.

“If you’re tired, do you want to just go back and rest?”

Even though he had come all the way here at a single message, Su-ha still asked in a voice that couldn’t hide his lingering concern. Even if Chaewon said he wanted to go back now, Su-ha wouldn’t show the slightest complaint or irritation.

“Su-ha.”

So Chaewon called his name again, almost as if spellbound.

The urge to run away surged again. The desire to avoid asking for an answer and simply leave things as they were still filled his head.

“Today, Team Leader Min asked me something.”

“Team Leader Min…? What did he-”

Following the gentle path Su-ha offered without hesitation, Chaewon decided to take a step forward.

He didn’t want to repeat the life he had lived, believing good things were never meant for him, telling himself he desired nothing so he would never be disappointed, remaining in the same place forever.

“If Team Leader Min were to request you as his guide…”

At the unexpected words, Su-ha frowned. He couldn’t understand why I-hyeon would suddenly say something like that.

“If that happened…”

As Chaewon hesitated to continue, Su-ha was about to respond first. To say that it would never happen, and even if it did, he would never choose him. That he would never leave Chaewon.

But Chaewon spoke first.

“He asked me… if that happened, would I really be able to send Su-ha to him without feeling anything.”

Every movement in Su-ha’s body stopped. It felt as though he had forgotten how to breathe. As if time itself had frozen around him.

He stood there, unable even to blink, trying to process what Chaewon had just said.

He knew he should react naturally, keep the atmosphere from turning awkward, let Chaewon continue speaking, but no words came to mind. He couldn’t manage any response at all.

After saying that much, Chaewon slowly took a deep breath. Su-ha didn’t know it, but Chaewon didn’t have the capacity to properly observe his reaction. The sound of his own voice and heartbeat filled his ears, making his head spin.

He didn’t fully understand why he had brought this up. He hadn’t called Su-ha with this intention. At first, he had only wanted to see him. That was all. Truly.

But the words were already out, and he had no desire to take them back.

After breathing deeply several more times, Chaewon continued.

“All this time, vaguely… I thought Su-ha should meet someone better than me. That you should have been Team Leader Min I-hyeon’s pair guide. But… I never once actually imagined you guiding someone else.”

“…”

“But the moment he asked me that today… I suddenly saw you guiding Team Leader Min I-hyeon so clearly in front of me…”

Chaewon clenched both fists tightly. Even though he was only explaining, his emotions stirred as if it were happening all over again. Slowly, he lifted his gaze from the ground and looked at Su-ha.

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