Chapter 38: Too Close to Be Just Guiding

“Then you should go get some rest too, Su-ha.”

Having arrived at the dorm entrance, Chaewon spoke first as he offered his farewell. Su-ha looked momentarily startled, as if he hadn’t expected those words, then lightly shook his head and replied.

“No. I’ll go to your room with you, Chaewon.”

“…What?”

“Even when there’s no training scheduled, doing guiding at regular intervals will help with the next session. And honestly… because I acted irresponsibly before, to put it simply, there are still a lot of scar-like remnants left in your energy.”

Despite his tall stature and broad build, the way Su-ha spoke with his head slightly bowed made him look strangely pitiful for a moment.

Out of habit, Chaewon was about to say it wasn’t Su-ha’s fault, but as if he’d anticipated that, Su-ha hurriedly added before Chaewon could open his mouth.

“I’m planning to conduct guiding frequently for a while, until those scars completely fade… would that be all right with you?”

“Well, I-I mean, of course… yes. I’d be grateful for that.”

For a moment, Su-ha almost said that it was simply his duty and not something Chaewon needed to be thankful for.

But then he remembered a day in the cafeteria, when someone had said that simple words of thanks, like the ones Chaewon offered, were okay. Thinking of that kindness and consideration, a smile surfaced before he could stop it.

“Then let’s go.”

Suppressing the upward pull at the corner of his lips, Su-ha started walking again. He still hadn’t realized that behind Chaewon’s impatience lay a quiet resolve to one day let Su-ha go.

****

“I’ll check your condition first.”

“Yes.”

As usual, Chaewon lay obediently on the bed and held his hand out toward Su-ha. Though his palm wasn’t sweaty, Su-ha brushed it once against his trousers anyway, then carefully took Chaewon’s hand and drew up his energy.

Through the contact, Chaewon’s condition felt incomparably more detailed than before. Every corner that had once seemed like a vague blur was now sharply clear. That meant Su-ha, emotionally, felt that much closer to Chaewon than he had before.

Trying not to acknowledge the unavoidable shift in his emotions, Su-ha slowly sent his energy into Chaewon. As he delicately traced and soothed the scars he felt beneath his fingertips, he spoke.

“As I said earlier… I haven’t been providing sufficient guiding until now, and because you continued training in that state, there are quite a few injuries scattered throughout your energy.”

“Ah…”

“It might not have been outright pain, but at this level, you should’ve felt at least some physical discomfort. Were you uncomfortable but unable to say anything because of me?”

Worried that Chaewon might take his words as accusatory, Su-ha consciously softened his grip and gently rubbed the back of Chaewon’s hand, hoping he would understand there was no intent to blame him.

Following that motion, Su-ha’s energy rippled slowly. It felt like a warm wave rolling in, water softly lapping at the shore.

Chaewon reflexively closed his eyes, tilting his head back slightly as a small sound slipped from his throat. Even though he thought he should hold back, wondering if reacting like this might be rude to Su-ha, once it began, it was hard to stop.

Yet seeing Chaewon’s response, Su-ha instead increased the output of his energy, naturally threading his fingers between Chaewon’s. As the energy spread like rain soaking into parched earth, Su-ha felt an undeniable thirst rise within him.

The sensations from when he had guided Chaewon while holding him close suddenly surfaced in his mind. As Su-ha licked his dry lips, Chaewon let out a few strained sounds before finally managing to speak, as if regaining his composure.

“I was… just fine…”

What Su-ha referred to as pain or discomfort was something Chaewon genuinely struggled to understand. He wasn’t clutching his chest in agony, unable to breathe. He wasn’t collapsing from dizziness at random moments. He wasn’t coughing up blood.

Then didn’t that mean he was fine? Truly fine? Chaewon still found Su-ha’s words difficult to grasp.

That answer made Su-ha’s heart sink unexpectedly. The more Chaewon insisted he was fine, the more it bothered him, the more it hurt.

With an expression of resolve, Su-ha spoke.

“I’m going to… increase the area of contact a bit more.”

The moment the words left his mouth, Chaewon’s hand, which had been holding Su-ha’s, tensed. It was completely unexpected, so much so that even the habitual “I’m fine” wouldn’t come out.

How could the contact be increased further? Holding both hands? Having never experienced anything like this before, Chaewon was too flustered to respond, able only to watch what Su-ha was doing.

Pulling his chair slightly closer to the bed, Su-ha’s hand slowly reached toward Chaewon’s cheek.

Chaewon held his breath. For some reason, breathing properly felt impossible. He knew Su-ha’s actions were purely professional, nothing more than part of his work, yet he couldn’t stop the tension from building.

He considered closing his eyes, but worried that might make Su-ha uncomfortable, so instead he lowered his gaze and stared at his own toes.

For a brief moment, two thoughts battled fiercely within him: that he should refuse properly so Su-ha wouldn’t overdo it, and that it would be better to follow Su-ha’s lead and grow quickly so he could let him go sooner.

And while Chaewon hesitated, clutching the blanket uselessly, Su-ha’s large hand finally, carefully, cupped Chaewon’s cheek.

As their energies entwined, Su-ha bit his lip. Chaewon’s cheek beneath his palm was cold, soft, and unbearably fragile, as if even a scratch from a fingernail might leave a wound.

But what made it hardest for Su-ha to endure wasn’t the physical sensation, it was the way their energies began to tangle through that point of contact.

He nearly let out a rough gasp. Su-ha’s hand moved from Chaewon’s cheek, brushing his hair before gripping the nape of his neck. Alarm bells rang in his head.

The thought that this was already excessive contact surged at the same time as an opposing, desperate feeling that even this wasn’t enough. Holding onto his reason became incredibly difficult. He wasn’t a novice guide, this was a sensation he’d rarely ever experienced.

Tracing Chaewon’s scars and pressing deeper inside, Su-ha found himself imagining pulling Chaewon close and pressing their lips together. If mere contact caused sensations this explosive, he couldn’t even begin to imagine what guiding through mucous membranes would be like.

Struggling with everything he had not to draw Chaewon fully into his arms, Su-ha forced himself to focus solely on healing the scars.

“S-Su-ha…”

Then Chaewon called out to him in a voice so faint it was barely more than a breath. When Su-ha looked, Chaewon’s eyes, no longer focused elsewhere, were hazy, intoxicated as they gazed at him.

It was a normal reaction. The density of the guiding had suddenly changed from something that usually involved little more than holding hands. For someone as inexperienced as Chaewon, reacting as if drunk was entirely natural. Su-ha knew that.

“Hah…”

But when Chaewon lifted his free hand, clutching Su-ha’s wrist that cupped his face and rubbing his own cheek against Su-ha’s palm, when Su-ha saw that slender, fragile movement up close and felt it with his entire body, even someone as experienced as Su-ha found it hard to suppress the sudden surge of desire.

Su-ha’s hand caressed Chaewon’s cheek, slowly drawing him closer. As he bent slightly at the waist, their faces closed the distance in an instant. If he just leaned down a little more, if he pretended not to notice, he could part Chaewon’s lips and take in the soft flesh inside.

Su-ha was Chaewon’s guide, and this was, after all, a legitimate method of guiding. No one would be able to say his actions were wrong.

“…”

The moment that thought formed, Su-ha stopped moving. He stopped pulling Chaewon closer. He stopped lowering his head. Biting his lips hard enough to feel pain, he forced himself back to clarity.

His vision sharpened, and he finally saw Chaewon clearly, clinging to Su-ha’s guiding with no defenses left.

It felt like cold water had been dumped over him. Then came a wave of deep self-loathing. Having driven Chaewon to the point where he couldn’t even adapt to such basic guiding, how could he feel these kinds of desires?

Perhaps this was all new to Chaewon, but then why was Su-ha himself feeling such unfamiliar urges toward him?

“Su-ha… hng…”

As Su-ha’s delicate guiding continued, Chaewon trembled lightly, soft sounds spilling from him. Su-ha gently stroked Chaewon’s cheek, his expression layered with apology and concern.

“…Yes. I’m here.”

Murmuring words he wasn’t even sure would comfort Chaewon, Su-ha stroked his cheek again and again. Chaewon’s hand gripping Su-ha’s wrist was so small that Su-ha couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye.