Chapter 77: We Begin Here

“I no longer want to become Esper Min I-hyeon’s guide.”

“Su-ha, I…”

“I want to remain as your guide, Chaewon. From now on, and for a long time. I want us to be a pair who rely on each other, trust each other, and move forward together.”

Strangely, the more he spoke, the clearer everything in front of him became. Until he said it out loud, everything had felt confusing and difficult, but once he began, he realized with startling certainty that this was what he truly wanted.

The discomfort that had lingered like grains of sand in his heart whenever he faced Chaewon, the unease and awkwardness, had all come from not being able to say this properly.

“Of course, this is my feeling. I’m not forcing it on you. If you don’t want to maintain this pair relationship with me for long, I understand. That would be completely natural.”

An apology, or even effort, could not erase words and actions that had already happened. More than anything, Su-ha wanted to make it clear that these feelings were entirely his own, not something meant to pressure Chaewon into staying in this relationship.

Given Chaewon’s gentle nature, he wouldn’t easily reject such earnest words. Knowing that, Su-ha hoped even more that this wouldn’t feel like coercion.

“I just… I wanted to correct what I started wrong… and the misunderstandings you might still be carrying because of that.”

“…”

“Everything I do with you is because I want to. So please, don’t blame yourself anymore or feel sorry toward me.”

“That…”

“I want to have meals with you every day. Every time. So from now on, don’t apologize to me over something like that.”

Trying to ease Chaewon, who still looked tense, Su-ha added the last part almost jokingly, offering a soft smile. Chaewon lifted the corners of his lips uncertainly, as if unsure whether he was allowed to smile back.

He had thought Su-ha might be about to say he wanted to end things. No, if he was honest, Chaewon had been half convinced of it, preparing himself.

That way, no matter what Su-ha said, he could send him off calmly. He didn’t want to burden him with a sorrowful expression.

So Chaewon had persuaded himself in advance. It would be natural for him to choose that. I might have done the same.

If something you expected happens, you can at least comfort yourself by saying you saw it coming. Even if it’s a flimsy trick, it lets you shield your eyes just enough to avoid looking directly at the wound.

And yet.

Even though Chaewon had sealed his heart tightly inside that box.

Su-ha said something entirely different. Words he had never once imagined. Words he had never prepared for in any possible future.

So the emotions that surged up, completely unguarded, caught him off guard.

His hands trembled, and he instinctively clasped them together. His vision swam; his breath felt tight. Rather than excitement or joy, fear washed over him. It felt like facing an unknown existence he had never once encountered in his life.

Chaewon’s life had been a series of losses. No one had ever stayed in it for long, and the more precious they were, the sooner, and more permanently, they left his side.

So he had assumed Su-ha would be the same. The more he cherished him, relied on him, wished to stay together for a long time, the faster Su-ha would leave. It wasn’t mere speculation. It felt almost like certainty.

That was why, even after hearing everything, Chaewon didn’t know how to accept these words. He was afraid.

“Chaewon.”

Like a lighthouse shining over a dark sea, Su-ha called his name. Meeting Chaewon’s confused gaze, he carefully took hold of his wrist.

“You don’t have to answer right now.”

Chaewon’s eyes shook violently. Su-ha smiled gently.

“I’m not asking you to decide anything immediately. I just… wanted to tell you my heart honestly, as it is. I don’t want you blaming yourself anymore. That’s all.”

“I… I don’t know if I deserve to hear something like this, Su-ha.”

“You don’t need qualifications to receive an apology for something the other person did wrong. If anyone lacks the right, it’s me. I’m the one who was at fault, yet I kept accepting your apologies.”

As Su-ha spoke, Chaewon faintly shook his head, still unable to fully accept his words. Su-ha understood. From the day they first met until now, this had always been where Chaewon struggled most.

Gently rubbing the inside of Chaewon’s wrist with his thumb, Su-ha said,

“It’s okay. Let’s take it slowly. Thank you for listening to me today. And… I hope you can believe that I mean it. That this isn’t something I said out of responsibility.”

“…”

“Shall we start guiding now?”

“Ah…! Ah, yes.”

Only after hearing the word “guiding” did Chaewon seem to regain some composure, blinking quickly and nodding. His thoughts were still tangled, but he seemed determined to at least do his job properly.

The sight was both endearing and faintly bittersweet. Su-ha allowed himself a small, rueful smile before erasing it in case Chaewon noticed.

It wasn’t that he felt hurt Chaewon couldn’t immediately accept his feelings. After disregarding and hurting him before, it was only natural that Chaewon couldn’t instantly believe someone who now claimed he had changed.

What made Su-ha’s chest ache wasn’t that Chaewon didn’t trust him.

It was that Chaewon didn’t trust himself.

He was certain Chaewon believed he wasn’t someone worthy of hearing such words.

And behind that reaction lay countless experiences from the life Chaewon had endured alone.

Thinking of those years he had survived by himself made Su-ha feel hollow in his chest. He knew there had been nothing he could have done back then, they hadn’t even known each other existed, but still, he felt helpless for not having been able to help the Chaewon of those days.

Turning those unfamiliar emotions over in his mind, Su-ha gently tugged on Chaewon’s wrist. Chaewon came willingly into his arms, and today he felt especially small. Guiding his uncertain arms around his waist, Su-ha wrapped him close and whispered near his ear,

“I’ll begin the guiding.”

“Yes…”

Perhaps because of their earlier conversation, Chaewon’s energy was unstable. Su-ha slowly released his own energy to envelop him and asked carefully,

“Your energy is quite unstable right now. Would it be alright if we continued lying down?”

He knew Chaewon’s instability wasn’t physical. But Su-ha hoped Chaewon would gradually grow accustomed to closer guiding. With training with Gi-yoon tomorrow and more intense sessions ahead, he needed to become more comfortable with physical closeness.

If asked whether there was absolutely no personal desire mixed into that thought, he couldn’t honestly say there wasn’t. Lately, Su-ha had been feeling an overwhelming thirst during guiding sessions. Simple embraces were no longer enough to quench it.

Still, steadily increasing the level of guiding was, first and foremost, for Chaewon’s sake. Soon, Chaewon would be deployed into real situations, not just training. There would come a time when simple close contact wouldn’t be enough.

When that time came, Su-ha didn’t want Chaewon to feel awkward about it—or to see it as something that created debt.

“Yes.”

Chaewon answered softly, nodding against Su-ha’s chest. Though he had felt this before many times, now that he was aware of these new emotions, even that small movement felt different.

Carefully controlling his movements so as not to startle him, Su-ha slowly reclined onto the sofa, naturally pulling Chaewon along. The couch was narrower than a bed, and as they adjusted, Chaewon’s body ended up partially overlapping his.

Feeling the awkwardness of the position, Chaewon fidgeted slightly.

“Won’t this be uncomfortable for you…?”

“No. It’s fine. Stay like that.”

“…Okay.”

Intentionally letting a hint of firmness enter his voice, Su-ha pulled him a little closer. From experience, he knew that sometimes Chaewon, who always worried about burdening others, needed that kind of reassurance.

Being together, growing accustomed to each other, that was what it meant.

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