Chapter 76: Not Anymore

“I’m not working hard to become Esper Min I-hyeon’s guide. Now… now this has nothing to do with that anymore.”

Back then, Su-ha had clearly said that what he was doing with all his effort had nothing to do with wanting to become Min I-hyeon’s guide.

“I am Chaewon’s guide.”

That he was, unequivocally, Chaewon’s guide, said in such a clear, unwavering voice.

Chaewon rested his chin lightly on his knees, which he had pulled into his chest, and turned those words over in his mind again and again. At first glance, they sounded like a perfectly accurate statement. Su-ha was, officially, Chaewon’s pair guide. No one could deny that fact.

But even so… was Su-ha really his guide? Was Chaewon truly his esper?

If I-hyeon were to look for a pair guide right now, if I-hyeon were to say he wanted Su-ha as his guide…

Would Su-ha still remain Chaewon’s guide then?

Would Chaewon still be able to remain his esper?

The emotion that had made Chaewon curl in on himself stemmed precisely from that point. Through his conversation with Tae-jun, Chaewon had suddenly realized just how excessively he was relying on Su-ha.

Even while telling himself he shouldn’t.

Even while warning himself that Su-ha was someone he would have to let go of sooner or later, that he shouldn’t become too much of a burden, that he shouldn’t lean on him for everything.

When he came back to his senses, none of those resolutions had been kept.

It wasn’t simply about whether they ate together every time or not. What truly mattered was that, at some point, Chaewon had begun to take Su-ha’s presence at his side completely for granted. As if Su-ha would continue to stay with him indefinitely.

He had said it himself, I’ll grow quickly and let you go, so please help me, and yet how shameless this all was. From that day on, Su-ha had truly been helping him with everything he had.

“Haah…”

Chaewon let out a long sigh. If only unwanted emotions could be expelled like breath, how nice that would be, he thought.

When Chaewon had spoken earlier, he believed Su-ha must have reached the same realization as well. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have withdrawn without answering properly, saying with such a serious face that he had something to say.

Sitting there, Chaewon did what he had always done throughout his life: he packed his heart and his weakness into a thick, sturdy box. It was a box only Chaewon himself could open or break.

As long as he placed his heart inside it, he wouldn’t be hurt. He wouldn’t feel pain. That was how Chaewon had passed through much of life’s sadness.

‘It’s okay. Whatever he says, I’ll be okay. I didn’t expect anything in the first place. I wasn’t hoping for anything. So no matter what he says, it won’t hurt.’

After repeating that to himself again and again, the sound of the doorbell rang from the entrance.

Su-ha had arrived.

****

The moment he stepped inside and saw Chaewon, Su-ha could tell that he was extremely tense. These days, Su-ha could often sense Chaewon’s condition even without touching him. It meant his heart had drawn that much closer to Chaewon’s.

That didn’t mean Su-ha was in any better shape himself. He barely remembered how he had managed to shower and walk all the way here.

He hadn’t even decided to confess his feelings, so why was he trembling this much? He couldn’t say. But whatever the reason, this was exactly how he felt right now.

“Are you feeling okay?”

Su-ha asked as they walked toward the sofa. He’d tried to steady his voice so it wouldn’t shake pathetically, but he wasn’t confident he’d succeeded. Chaewon replied with a short, “Yes.” The calmness of his voice, tinged with a strange lack of energy, made Su-ha worry.

“Let’s… sit first.”

Su-ha carefully guided Chaewon to sit on the sofa, then sat beside him and turned slightly to face him.

“There’s something I said I wanted to talk about before we start guiding… is that alright?”

On the walk back to his dorm, while showering, drying his hair, changing clothes, and walking here again, Su-ha had thought and thought about how to say this.

Normally, he didn’t struggle to express his thoughts or desires to others. But today, no matter how much he thought, he couldn’t form sentences as clean as he wanted.

Part of him wanted to put this moment off, to wait until he was more prepared, until he could speak calmly, until he could put together neat, logical words.

“…Yes. It’s okay.”

Chaewon only answered after taking a deep breath. He looked unmistakably nervous. Watching him from so close, Su-ha remembered why, despite all his hesitation, he hadn’t been able to delay this moment any longer.

If he postponed it to “organize his thoughts,” Chaewon would spend that time alone, filling it with thoughts that weren’t true. Just like earlier, thinking that Su-ha even ate meals with him out of obligation, then blaming himself for not realizing it sooner.

And those thoughts might not stop there. Chaewon would surely continue to imagine emotions Su-ha had never once felt, blaming himself, feeling sorry toward Su-ha, and letting time pass that way.

Knowing that, Su-ha couldn’t leave Chaewon alone to bear those feelings by himself, using “getting a grip on his own emotions” as an excuse.

It didn’t matter how accustomed Chaewon was to handling emotions like that. Su-ha no longer wanted to see him endure negative feelings alone.

“Chaewon.”

So Su-ha gathered his courage and called his name. He spoke. Even if his words came out clumsy and disordered, he trusted that Chaewon’s warmth, his kindness, wouldn’t judge Su-ha’s heart by something so trivial.

Chaewon swallowed dryly, unable to respond. Su-ha continued.

“I told you before that I worked for a very long time to become Esper Min I-hyeon’s guide, right?”

“…Yes.”

“And even though I said that now that I’m your guide, I want to focus on you… you probably think that if an opportunity came up, I’d still want to go to I-hyeon.”

At Su-ha’s words, Chaewon tilted his head slightly and replied,

“If the opportunity comes, of course you should. That was your long-held dream, and… things turned out like this because of me…”

“No. No, Chaewon, wait.”

Su-ha quickly cut him off. He didn’t want to hear Chaewon speak of himself as if he were an obstacle. More than that, he wanted Chaewon to stop thinking that way even when he was alone.

So Su-ha returned to where he should have stood from the beginning, to the wrong start, the first button fastened incorrectly, the opening line of this story that should have been fixed long ago.

He took several steadying breaths. He opened his mouth, swallowed his words, then struggled to gather the scattered pieces and place them where they belonged. And what gave him courage in that moment was Lee Chaewon’s gaze, so warm as it rested on him.

In those dark eyes, Su-ha could feel Chaewon’s concern for him.

Even though Su-ha himself was the source of so much of Chaewon’s guilt and burden. The one who had left him lonely, anxious, and hurt more than anyone else. And yet—not even once had Chaewon blamed or resented him.

Holding onto that kindness, Su-ha spoke again.

“Min I-hyeon was my long-time dream. From the moment I awakened as a guide, he was the one and only goal I chased. But… but, Chaewon.”

“…”

“Not anymore.”

Saying those words was unbearably difficult. Harder than acknowledging any other feeling. He had run after one person for so long, believing that was the sole reason he’d awakened as a guide, that stepping outside that goal terrified him.

He had lived entirely within it from the very beginning.

If he gave up that goal now, wouldn’t all his past efforts become meaningless? A life where Min I-hyeon wasn’t his goal felt frightening, unfamiliar and strange.

“Not anymore, Chaewon…”

“Su-ha, I don’t understand what you’re saying-”

“I’m your guide.”

“That may be true, but-!”

“At first, I was forced into this position. But not now. The reason I want to stay by your side, the reason I want to do this well, it’s not because of obligation or responsibility.”

“…”

“And it’s certainly not because I intend to use you as a stepping stone to become Min I-hyeon’s guide.”

Su-ha could no longer pretend otherwise. If the feelings he had for Chaewon were truly something special, then this was where it had to begin. If he didn’t set this starting point properly, he couldn’t move forward at all.

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