Chapter 42: Partners, Not Close Enough

Su-ha looked straight down into Chaewon’s eyes, dark and steady, yet at the same time endlessly gentle, and spoke.

“Let’s do this.”

“…Yes?”

“When you feel like apologizing to me, try switching our positions and thinking it through.”

Not quite understanding Su-ha’s words, Chaewon tilted his head slightly, his face settling into a thoughtful expression. Su-ha continued, making an effort not to think about how cute that expression was.

“If you wouldn’t want me to apologize when I did the same thing, then don’t apologize to me either.”

A brief silence fell between them.

****

Only after some time had passed did Chaewon fully grasp what Su-ha meant, his mouth parting slightly. He looked like he wanted to argue something back. Without waiting for him to speak, Su-ha added,

“We’re partners who should trust and rely on each other more than anyone else.”

At that moment, a phrase surfaced in Chaewon’s mind, how an esper and a guide bound as a pair were meant to become each other’s allies. Until now, he had deliberately avoided thinking about it, believing he didn’t deserve that role.

“If you have to feel sorry and apologize over even something this small, then how can we really call ourselves a pair?”

“But, Su-ha…”

“Of course… this is my fault. It’s only natural that you wouldn’t trust someone who says he wants to be another esper’s guide.”

Again and again, Chaewon wanted to say no. Every time Su-ha blamed himself for everything, he wanted to insist that it wasn’t true, that this was all because he himself hadn’t become a proper esper.

But Su-ha’s calm gaze stopped him. Saying those things would only make Su-ha more uncomfortable, make him feel even more guilty, and Chaewon couldn’t bring himself to continue. Su-ha spoke.

“I’ll try harder. I’ll do my best so that you can trust and rely on me completely, Chaewon. So… I hope you’ll do the same.”

Faced with Su-ha’s eyes, now filled with a warmth that made it hard to believe they had ever held such coldness, there was only one answer Chaewon could give.

“…Okay. I will.”

Su-ha’s request was still difficult, still not something Chaewon could easily accept. But it wasn’t for Chaewon’s sake, it was for Su-ha’s. If it meant that Su-ha would stop feeling sorry toward him, he was willing to try.

Chaewon didn’t realize that Su-ha had already seen straight through that part of him.

“That aside.”

Su-ha spoke again. Chaewon looked up at him with an expression full of curiosity about what he might say next. His face was still far too close. Su-ha, the only one keenly aware of that awkward distance, lowered his voice slightly.

“Before going out… how about we do some guiding, even if it’s just for a bit?”

Even as he spoke, Su-ha couldn’t be sure what this suggestion was really for. Was it truly guiding for Chaewon’s sake? Or was there another reason he was so conscious of Chaewon’s body, still pressed close to his own?

He adjusted his tone to sound like nothing more than a casual suggestion, but inside Su-ha’s mind, a violent storm was raging.

Chaewon’s expression turned serious again. He seemed to be thinking carefully about Su-ha’s proposal. That brief silence made Su-ha’s nose itch strangely. It was an unfamiliar sensation.

What’s more, Chaewon didn’t even seem to realize that Su-ha was still holding his waist. Or perhaps he did realize and simply didn’t care. Su-ha couldn’t tell whether he should be relieved or troubled by the fact that Chaewon didn’t find the distance awkward.

After finishing his deliberation, Chaewon answered.

“That would probably be safer, right? It wouldn’t be good if I became unstable outside and ended up putting other people in danger.”

Su-ha shook his head.

“That’s not what I meant. An esper’s condition can be affected by their surroundings, so I suggested it in case things became hard on you.”

“Ah…”

“Of course other people’s safety matters. But your safety matters too, Chaewon. Don’t forget that it’s not just about not hurting others, you shouldn’t get hurt either.”

‘My safety.’

Chaewon silently repeated the words to himself. Ever since meeting Su-ha, there were many moments when he felt as if he were learning words he’d never known in his life.

He understood the meaning of the words, the sentences themselves, but how to truly accept and internalize them felt impossibly difficult.

“…Okay. I’ll receive guiding.”

So Chaewon answered like that. After all, there was no denying that receiving guiding was a good choice for the sake of others. There was no reason to refuse.

At that moment, Su-ha’s body stiffened with tension. Now that Chaewon had agreed to be guided, Su-ha became acutely aware that he was still holding him. As he wondered whether to proceed with guiding like this, Su-ha’s gaze drifted to Chaewon’s lips.

What if he pressed their lips together, as if it were nothing? As if it were the most natural thing in the world?

Guiding through mucosal contact was known for its high efficiency. Perhaps because of the inherent intimacy of the act, even with minimal contact, the results far surpassed something as simple as an embrace.

And they were a pair, weren’t they? Even if they weren’t lovers, unless one of them had someone else they were involved with and thus a reason to avoid it, mucosal-contact guiding was something commonly attempted between espers and guides.

So it was perfectly natural for Su-ha to think of it in this situation. It really was. The strange part was that Su-ha found himself compulsively justifying it to himself, as though making excuses.

In the end, though, his worries proved completely pointless. The moment Chaewon agreed to be guided, he gently pulled away from Su-ha’s embrace and naturally held out his hand, as if assuming Su-ha would grab his wrist, or at most, his hand.

For no real reason, Su-ha felt deflated. It was embarrassing to realize he’d been making a fuss all on his own in front of a Chaewon who had clearly thought nothing of it.

And more than that, the sudden distance left him feeling oddly empty and regretful. He found himself clenching and unclenching his fist.

He had no idea why being in front of Chaewon kept stirring up emotions he wasn’t used to. Was guilt really something that tormented people in so many different ways?

Forcing those distracting thoughts aside, Su-ha grasped Chaewon’s wrist as if nothing were wrong. He could have taken his hand, but perhaps because he’d just been looking at Chaewon’s lips, an unnecessary sense of distance crept in.

Of course, all of this, every bit of it, existed only within Su-ha.

“I’ll begin guiding.”

At Su-ha’s words, Chaewon reflexively closed his eyes. A warm energy slowly flowed through his wrist. As he felt Su-ha’s presence, Chaewon focused on his own body as well. He didn’t want to keep collapsing limply every time he received guiding.

Standing before him, Su-ha quietly watched Chaewon’s face. His gentle eyes looked like they’d never be able to hurt anyone, which made him both endearing and pitiful.

Thinking that someone like this had endured such a harsh, unforgiving life alone made something twist painfully in Su-ha’s chest.

Without meaning to, the image of Chaewon’s dark eyes beneath closed lids surfaced in his mind.

Normally calm and subdued, those eyes would sparkle as if filled with starlight whenever Chaewon spoke of protecting others or thought about striving toward that goal. Once again, Su-ha’s heart began to beat in a strange way.

Before he realized it, Su-ha slowly raised his other hand. It wasn’t something he’d consciously decided to do. He just wanted to see Chaewon’s eyes, the eyes that always reflected the person in front of him so clearly, eyes that looked fragile yet at the same time impossibly strong.

If he cupped Chaewon’s cheek like before, he would open his eyes in surprise. Without knowing why, Chaewon would simply assume Su-ha’s intentions were good and look at him quietly, wondering if Su-ha had something to say.

Su-ha’s grip on Chaewon’s wrist tightened. It wasn’t painful, but the guiding wave grew strong enough for Chaewon to feel it. And just as Su-ha’s other hand was about to touch Chaewon’s pale, soft cheek, Chaewon opened his eyes.

Su-ha hurriedly lowered his hand. Chaewon, his expression relaxed, comfortable, if not quite dazed, failed to notice Su-ha’s movement and spoke.

“Did you know… your energy is really warm, Su-ha?”

All his effort to act composed came to nothing as Su-ha’s eyes wavered. Chaewon continued speaking.