Chapter 33: You Shouldn’t Be Fine

In any case, it wasn’t anything particularly special to Chaewon. What he worried about was Su-ha taking on everything like a burden, over something that would have been nothing if Chaewon simply endured it himself.

I really am fine.

Su-ha was someone who would leave his side eventually anyway, so Chaewon felt he could understand even if Su-ha didn’t think fondly of him while they were together.

Chaewon wished Su-ha wouldn’t go out of his way to hide something that was, to him, only natural.

“…”

But Su-ha felt something entirely different upon hearing Chaewon’s words. If a heart were made up of countless fragments, it felt as though several of them came crumbling down at once the moment he heard what Chaewon said.

His words and actions had led Chaewon to compare himself to Min I-hyeon and to believe that he didn’t deserve any of this. Drunk on his personal emotions, Su-ha had piled up excuses and taken it for granted that his arrows would strike an innocent person.

The excuse that he had a goal he wanted to achieve even at the cost of his life could never justify Su-ha’s actions. The truths he had deliberately turned away from came rushing back at him like waves. He couldn’t find his bearings on what to say.

No words seemed capable of fixing the situation he had ruined up until now.

“Just saying that to you… in the first place was wrong. I never should have made you worry about something like that.”

“I really am fine…”

Chaewon’s softly spoken reply, his face, truly looked fine. As if he hadn’t been hurt at all. But for the first time, Su-ha realized that very expression could be even more worrying and painful.

Su-ha carefully took hold of Chaewon’s arm to draw his attention away from where he was looking.

Those dark, gentle eyes met Su-ha’s gaze. His voice was firmer than before, yet no longer cold, as he spoke.

“You shouldn’t be fine.”

“…What?”

“You shouldn’t think things like that are okay. When I said those things to you. When I acted irresponsibly and lashed out with baseless blame. You shouldn’t have accepted that as something natural, you should have been angry.”

Caught off guard by Su-ha’s words, Chaewon could only blink and stare at him.

In Chaewon’s world, getting angry was always someone else’s privilege. Chaewon was not someone who was allowed to be angry. He was poor, had nothing, and wherever he went, he was the weakest of the weak in society.

When someone was in the wrong, it was Chaewon who had to apologize.

If the other person raised their voice, he had to bow his head and beg for forgiveness. Even if the other person was making unreasonable demands, once their voice grew louder, he had to agree that they were right.

Only then could he earn even a pittance to pay for his grandmother’s medicine.

Abandoning all efforts to respect himself, convincing himself that the malice directed at him was something he truly deserved, those had been Chaewon’s desperate form of attack and defense just to survive. That was how he managed to live through each day without collapsing.

And now, his guide was telling him that none of that was natural. That it should not be thought of as natural.

“Please don’t think those things were only to be expected.”

Chaewon suddenly felt like a child, having to chew over Su-ha’s words again and again. He understood what was being said, yet somehow, he still couldn’t grasp its meaning.

“My actions were clearly wrong, with no room for excuse.”

For a moment, Su-ha wanted to take Chaewon’s dry hand in his own, but he didn’t act on it. He simply continued.

“Everything you’ve received from me was never something that should have happened. I know I don’t have the right to say this… but I still hope you can accept it.”

At that moment, the unfamiliar world Chaewon still couldn’t quite comprehend came crashing down over him through Su-ha’s words.

“I… I…”

Chaewon stammered like someone who had lost his way. Of all the attitudes Su-ha had ever shown him, this moment was the hardest to accept.

Like most espers and guides, the two of them had never shared particularly warm or intimate moments. Chaewon knew very well that Su-ha’s attitude was far removed from how a guide usually behaved toward his paired esper.

But could that really be called wrong? If someone admired an esper like Min I-hyeon and was then forced to take charge of a half-baked esper like himself, wouldn’t anyone naturally feel angry? Chaewon couldn’t stop those thoughts from surfacing again and again.

Even so, Su-ha had still provided the guiding Chaewon needed and helped him through training. That should have been enough. For Chaewon, that alone was more than sufficient treatment. So why was Su-ha apologizing now? He couldn’t understand it at all.

Watching Chaewon like this, Su-ha felt his chest tighten painfully.

This was someone who had accepted harsh words and cold treatment without once showing strong agitation. And yet now, when receiving an apology he was rightfully owed, he didn’t know what to do and couldn’t accept it easily.

This is the kind of life he’s endured, Su-ha thought.

Enduring unjust treatment directed at him. Treating every violent word and action aimed his way as something natural, the life Chaewon must have lived unfolded vividly before Su-ha’s eyes.

And to someone like that, Su-ha had-

“I’m not asking you to accept my apology right away.”

Barely holding back a sigh, Su-ha spoke. His large hand rubbed Chaewon’s arm soothingly. Chaewon blinked rapidly, breathing like someone who had nearly drowned. Feeling Chaewon’s wildly fluctuating wavelength at his fingertips, Su-ha bit his lip.

To someone like this, someone who even struggled to accept something as basic as an apology, what had he done?

“I just wanted to say that it was entirely my fault… and that things like that won’t happen again.”

“Yes. Yes…”

Chaewon managed to reply at last. But it was painfully obvious that this wasn’t a response born of truly accepting Su-ha’s words. As Su-ha hesitated, unsure what to say next, Chaewon, clutching his hands tightly, spoke in a very small voice.

“Still… please don’t push yourself too hard. Just hearing you say this is already enough for me.”

Su-ha’s face, which had briefly shown surprise, crumpled in an instant.

No matter how many times he apologized, no matter how firmly he vowed it would never happen again, he couldn’t undo the moment he’d said he wished to become Min I-hyeon’s guide instead of Chaewon’s.

Even though his feelings about Min I-hyeon as a goal hadn’t changed even now, he couldn’t understand why Chaewon’s words pierced his heart like thorns. In the end, Su-ha said nothing, only biting down on his lip.

****

“Oh? Chaewon!”

Walking down the corridor beside Su-ha in an awkward silence, Chaewon broke into a bright smile at a familiar voice calling out from ahead. Approaching at a brisk pace was Eunho.

Only after he’d come right up to them did Eunho give Su-ha a slight bow in acknowledgment. It was clearly different from how he treated Chaewon, but Su-ha didn’t particularly care.

As Chaewon slightly bent at the waist and greeted him with a soft “Hello,” Eunho lightly took hold of Chaewon’s arm. Su-ha’s gaze flicked toward Eunho’s hand, but Eunho, focused entirely on Chaewon, continued in a cheerful voice.

“Why are you out here instead of resting in your room? Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. It’s dinner time, so I was heading to the cafeteria.”

“They could’ve brought your meal to your room if you wanted.”

“I’m really okay… I just wanted to move around a bit.”

In truth, the main reason he’d come out was the awkward silence that had settled over the hospital room after talking with Su-ha, but that wasn’t something he could explain to Eunho in detail.

While chatting warmly with Chaewon, Eunho subtly glanced at Su-ha standing beside him. He’d treated Chaewon worse than a stranger before, and now the atmosphere felt different again.

For a moment, the image of Su-ha pulling Chaewon into his arms and directing sharp hostility toward Min I-hyeon during training flashed through Eunho’s mind.

“I see…”

Eunho nodded lightly, falling into brief thought. He didn’t know exactly what had happened, but the fact that the two of them were together like this outside the training hall was definitely a good sign.

Until now, Su-ha hadn’t even wanted to share the same space with Chaewon unless it was in the training hall or strictly necessary guiding sessions at the dorm.

Blood was thicker than water.

Eunho’s fondness for the guide Jin Su-ha had long since vanished, but when it came to Chaewon, there was no downside to the two of them getting along. And considering Su-ha’s behavior during training earlier that day, it was clear something had changed in his state of mind.

There was still an awkward tension between the two, but noticing the unmistakable softness threaded through it, Eunho turned to Chaewon and spoke in a lightly suggestive tone.

“Then how about this, since you worked hard today, Chaewon… want to grab dinner outside?”

“…Outside?”

Chaewon’s voice rose in surprise. Eunho didn’t mind at all, and this time, he spoke while openly looking at Su-ha.